happy new years!

this year i resolve to be better. not perfect, just better.

how about you?

holidaze

one of my husband's relatives recently had a stroke. we visited her for christmas eve lunch. we drove 32 miles.

then we drove 51 miles to my sister's house for dinner.

but the adventure is not over yet.


i drive another 45 miles to yet another dinner, which we had to send our regrets, but we were invited for dessert and the gift exchange.

i ended up eating 7-layer salad, which i know is not really a dessert, but i love that layered salad old ladies make. i just wish they would not add peas. peas taste like stinky feet.

then i drove 43 miles home.

the next day i had nothing to do. we sat around in sweats, playing with our gifts. i now own more christmas kitchen towels and pot holders than i hope to ever need.

i have been without internet service-heck, make the computer service- due to my laptop's power cord being dive bombed by my dog. nothing since dec. 22.

i do not like my world without internet service.

bye for now, i am entering the world of the sims 3. i may regret this.

do unto other

i'm linked up via bye bye pie with a partner and we discussed what our respective good deeds would be. we are both into cooking, so we are working that angle. there is a very bare-bones shelter near here that i have worked with before. i've cooked them a sunday lunch and i helped turn their clothes room from a huge 10-foot laundry pile to a nice room with clothing on hangers, hung on racks and looking very much like a crappy thrift store. well, i mean, it was a room covered in clothes and now they are on hangers, so that has to be an improvement. i even donated my "sex and the city" poster to cheer it up.

i am going through my coupons too, looking for coupons i know i will need- cookie dough, cake mixes, chicken broth. tomorrow i will go meet with the director and we will work out a menu. she was going to get a list of things together that are getting close to their expiration dates that we would actually need to cook. we can work around that with the things i need to buy.

christmas shopping is over!

every gift (except the one bobo is responsible to buy) has been ordered or purchased. no more shopping for me. whoo-whoo! done before december. if i didn't have such bad knees, i'd be up dancing around. i am that excited!

note to self: dec. 15, follow-up on bobo's gift!

now i have to giftwrap. i usually thoroughly clean the living room and take it over. wish i had remembered that part before i bought such large gifts.

frugal hint:  buy bows and rolls of giftwrap mid-january. i'm using some nice thick hallmark paper i got for 90% off. have lots of tape and sharpen the scissors!*

*always consult a professionnal before using sharp implements.

do you ever wish you had a personal chef?

i could seriously use a crew from martha stewart living to help me with thanksgiving.

i agreed to have thanksgiving so bobo's elderly aunt could come and enjoy the meal and not exert her self. today her son called and she had a stroke, so she is going to be in rehab for about a week. he is planning on taking her some food on thursday, so i really don't have to cook ANYTHING.

but my son root is coming over and bringing the kids. chicky has to work, so at least i will have a nice peaceful meal. i love my grandkids and i can't wait to cook for them.

i took a nap this afternoon and i was woozy, kind of carsick, when i woke up. i hope i am able to eat something later and get over this before thanksgiving. the thought of food sounds really repulsive to me right now. i even drank a REAL coke and it tasted like crap. that has never happened in my life.

but at least i have all the food bought, so i don't have to get out tomorrow and fight the barbarians. i did most of the shopping last week and bobo bought the last 4 things yesterday. so we are set.

i just hope this illness goes away before thursday. just in case, we are doing half of the cooking tomorrow. stuff like deviled eggs and some of the casseroles. we are also doing the ham tomorrow, and the turkey/dressing thursday. i am also making a cherry pie and an egg custard pie.

i hope i get to enjoy thanksgiving.

fear of crowds

i'm almost finished christmas shopping. i have purchased gifts for almost everyone on-line. i am having bobo buy a gift for his aunt because she stumps me every year. i have to buy christmas gifts for the kids, but my dr. oz cards came on thursday, i think. so each grandkid gets $50 worth of stuff. i may buy some smaller things for them later as my budget allows, but i am using the target card for their main gift.

i dread buying their gifts, as i'm sure the crowds won't part to allow me to float to the front of the line. i haven't ordered their gifts on line, as i like touching them and making sure it is something they will love.

something i would play with, i guess, is the true criteria.

i'm back!

i have nothing to say today, but i'll try.

i met the kids and root at a chinese place. SUSHI BUFFET PLACE! mmmmmm, i even got sweet tea!

i have been sleeping since i got home.

now i'll be up all night.

playing the sims 2,

tired

i can't believe that thanksgiving is right around the corner. i think i am behind schedule.

severely behind schedule.

i hope to be back soon!

wizard of (dr.) oz

thank you, dr. oz!

i just got an email today that i won a $50 target card in the dr. oz giveaway last week. yeah, free christmas money! it's supposed to help me eat better breakfast, which i have started to do anyway, but i think christmas is better than breakfast any day! this gift card will exactly pay for for the doll at target itchy wants, the same doll that has a coupon for a free outfit when you buy the doll, the same doll that's on sale this week for $10 off. does it sound as if itchy is getting a new doll! a free doll at that? yeah, somebody's getting a new baby for christmas.

i didn't post the giveaway here because i only found out about it 10 minutes before it started. i will be posting some good giveaway here from other bloggers. i won a pair of beautiful crocs (that don't look like crocs) in a back-to-school giveaway. saved me $60! well, rather more like, saved me from having to wear the same shoes i wore last year. the same group of bloggers are putting together one that starts in a day or so, so i will post it here.

anybody have an ideas for boy's toys for a rowdy 6 1/2 year old? it's can't have any tiny parts, as his mission in life is taking things apart or breaking them. i might just give him a hammer, some safety goggles and a pile of bricks. oh yeah, gotta get him a hard hat, maybe a pair of work gloves! he can't afford to lose any more brain function- who can????? he's so different from my son was at that age. i bought him a gaggle of baukugan, bacongun, whatever they are called, for his birthday. they are little balls that turn into robots. they are from japan. he likes to dig and build little ditches. i am leaning toward lincoln logs.

i still haven't had a mcrib, but it's coming soon. i will give you all the juicy details. i better hurry. after all, it's only available for a limited time!

we are in the limited times now...

...cuz mcrib is back, but only for a limited time! therefore, i have determined we are living in what historians will later call "the limited times", as those are the only timeframes in which a mcrib is available on the free market.

suddenly i want a mcrib. i had forgotten about, having only eaten them for small amounts of limited times. it slipped my mind. of course, i had tried the night hawk "a taste of texas" faux mcrib dinner i bought for $2 at the ghetto grocery store:

not even close.

so i guess i will bite the bullet and get a mcrib. they are good, as long as you leave the pickle off and add a ton of onion. 

always remember to cut it in half so you may eat it daintily, like a lady who enjoys a fine mcrib.

for a limited time only!

broke but satiated

i had $100 to spend and make last until next friday.

i blew it all on groceries.

i figure if i have food at home, i will be forced to eat at home. it will be cheaper, healthier and generally just a wonderful thing to do. i won't waste gas going to get fast food- at least 15 miles each way. i won't waste calories eating crappy junk food.      

i actually have some money stuck back, not much, maybe $25 if i drag every coin from every hiding place. but i have everything i need, if i just stay home and don't go anywhere except the library and my diet group, i won't need to buy gas or spend money for anything. okay, i think i have a small fine, but that's my fault and not really a factor in determining the fiscal realized cost of using the librbary. it's free- unless you screw up and                                                                                                    

a local locale, all across the country

on the news tonight, there was as story on about a pedophile trying to abduct a child at a wal-mart.

why does so much crap happen at wal-mart? is it now the hub where everybody's circle congregated. does the smiley smile hide a grimace of evil? has it replaced the general store has the town hang-out?

if wal-mart keeps rolling back prices, why isn't something free yet at wal-mart?

okay, rant over. back to real life.

i have asked my dil to bring cookies to the thanksgiving meal. i didn't ask her what she wanted to bring, i just asked her if she could bring cookies. yes or no. no dickering over what she wants to do. yes or no. she said yes. i put it on the grocery list in a section where i put the things other people are bringing, so i will know not to duplicate anything. if she brings them, good. if she doesn't, it won't ruin the meal. her ability or inability to being cookies will not affect my day, as i am trying to get through the holidays without gaining any weight, from halloween through new year's.

good luck to me!

i am trying to lighten up the dishes a bit, so that i can enjoy the meal (and left-overs!) without that oppressive guilt that can bum your holiday out. i refuse to feel guilty about anything i eat as long as i have looked at each dish and make it as diet friendly. if it's too bad, i will just skip it (au gratin potatoes, i'm looking at you! fish stink eye back at ya!) and i will make sure i have a good salad. i am planning a huge salad with rings of red onion, cherry/grape tomatoes, croutons, freshly grated parmesan, pepperocini peppers and i think i will spring for a bottle of the real deal salad dressing from olive garden. i made it one year and work and my boss kept messing with me, asking me "is it really a salad made of olives from a garden?' i just told him if he didn't like it, don't eat it and laughed like a maniac.

my salad was finished by the group in no time. and i make a HUGE salad in a big  bowl that could qualify as a laundry basket. well, almost. but it's huge.

i was also the deviled egg lady. i made them simple-egg yolks, mayo, mustard, salt, pepper- and i made a lot. i also brought in different garnishes, like bbq rub, dill, sage, chili powder and paprika, so the eggs would have the taste you like the best.

yes, a deviled egg bar. you can tell i am in mississippi. a deviled egg bar is such a mississippi red neck thing to do. try dill or chili powder instead of paprika sometime. it will rock your world!

i am also taking the focus off dessert  by making coffee and hot chocolate first, then offering tasting portions of the desserts on small plates. seconds will be available of course. i have a nice tea set and i'm ready to show it off.

i refuse to make that nasty green bean casserole anymore. just because there is one person who eats doesn't mean i have to make it. they can bring it. everyone is getting a menu ahead of time. if they want to add something to it, great. just bring enough for everybody. i ain't making it. what you see in black and white is what i am making.

this year, i made my normal list of items and ingredients. and proceeded to lose the notebook. i went through dozens of notebook, which tells me to stop buying so dang many notebook, and it's gone. so i bit the bullet and pulled out a really nice lined leather journal, 8" x 10" or so. it's red and has a black satin bookmark. it has 180 pages, so it should last several thanksgiving seasons. i plan on adding pictures.

i redid the lists.

i feel so martha stewart-ish. like my rituals and recipes are important enough to put into a book. i wonder if 20 years from now i am gone and itchy has her own family, will she continue writing in my thanksgiving journal? or will i lose it like i did the original notebook? or will chicky give it away to some stranger on freecycle? only time will tell...

i need a new tonic or a kick in the pants...

since i am having thanksgiving this year, i have been making plans. i have the master list of food items and ingredients. i am starting the list of special cleaning rituals, i.e. clean the inch of fuzz behind the bathroom door.

i also have a list of items to buy or find at the thrift store: serving dishes, dish towels, trivets, etc.

so far, i have 8 people for dinner and another possible 2 people who do not know if they are coming. bobo made mention that we need to start figuring seating out. my table seats 6, i have a bistro table that will fit 2, and the 2 kids can sit on the floor with cushions at the coffee table.  or else i can bring the patio table in and cover it with something, it seats 8. maybe i will just say to heck with it and buy a 6 foot folding table. maybe i will check around and see if i can borrow a table. with all the yard sale people i know, someone is bound to have a table.

i need to get up off my duff and start cleaning. i honestly think that the next time i get all the dishes done at once, i will tape off the cabinets and we will eat off paper plates until thanksgiving day. it's too much trouble to keep trying to catch up when bobo doesn't empty the dishwasher as fast as he should. i end up washing the dishes by hand so the kitchen won't be nasty, and i end up mad at bobo for being a lazy nut.

sometimes it's just not worth it.

all the same, he better go empty the dishwasher soon.

louisiana style

we were out today doing errands when i remembered that popeye's fried chicken was giving away samples of the new fried crawfish. we went throught he drive-through to buy some fried chicken and had to wait for 4 minutes to get our samples.

we got 2 tiny pieces.

we really didn't get enough to taste it well. what i did taste was just another bunch of greasy fried goop.

not anything i would ever spend money on.

i was glad for the tiny sample, because it was just enough to let me know it would make me very unhappy to spend $5 for an entire order of it.

i guess i will just spend my money on fried chicken. their new cajun dressing is the bomb, but not for eating.

in other words, the business cards i ordered for my friend- who had her birthday party saturday- arrived on monday.

too late for the party.

but they look gorgeous and i know she will love them. her current cards are red with black print and you can't read them. these are brownish with some westerny looking cirliques. they aren't cutesy or girly, i think they will work for her.

i have the bills for next month worked out and everything looks to be fine- except there is money for christmas OR propane, but not both. i entered dr. oz's target giftcard giveaway. hopefully i will win a $50 target giftcard. i will have to do some fast swag-bucking. i am going to  make an effort to collect free gift cards during the next year and save them for christmas, NOT spend them for groceries! i would have about $300 for christmas if i had saved my target cards and not spend them.

next year, they are going into their own little wallet and going in the bill folder marked CHRISTMAS!

rainy day again

it's gray and drizzling here. i am very stiff. my knees hurt.

my diet group has been cancelled for tonight. it's always cancelled whenever it's rainy, plus everyone else is elderly and also has arthritis. so i don't mind.

but it's going to be a long night. i hope i don't end up playing the sims 2 all night!

token entry

this is the entry i wrote last last night, but did not publish! so i'm counting it as my nov. 1 entry for nablopomo. i can't let technology mess up my month.

halloween was a bust. we get no trick-or-treaters out here anyway. we decided to go to a free harvest festival at the church by our house. it was a  bunch of trunk-or-treat vans in a huge circle, a cake walk circle and two fires- a big firebox for hotdogs and a firebowl table in a litttle lounge area with tiki torches and lounge chairs. we walked around and ate hotdogs and chips. i started going around getting candy, so we had a  good bit of candy before i left.

no one spoke to us.

i know that as a non-churchgoing spiritual person, i am a marketable commodity. when i have been to other churches, i have gotten many perks, from free meals to swag bags. but this was a church i had thought about actually joining, because it's right down the street from my house.

no one spoke to us.

i see that if i am going to join a church, it will be the one i have been attending off and on. they would have a welcoming committee, a coffee committee and a witness committee and no one would escape without having been greeted several times. they made you feel welcome and that they were glad you were there.

no one spoke to us.

i would have rather had someone greet me happily than give me candy and feed me a hot dog.

time for dessert!

it's time for a new cake. any suggestions?

i was thinking of some kind of vintage-y cake, like lady baltimore or hummingbird.

or should we have pie instead...?

anybody have any good recipes they would like to share? i am posting several next week and it would be nice to have enough recipes to make a complete meal. i will put all the recipes on a separate entry, searchable by name, type and course. sound good?

i will start it woth grandma's cake. remember, there is no shame is making a masterpiece with a boxed cake mix. it's all cake in the end. plus it's the good frosting that makes a cake good. i always try to use white or butter recipe. they seem to have a less chemically taste to me. one of my husband's aunt makes this cake but sometimes she pokes holes in the top and lets the juice soak in the cake after she ices the top. she always has a nice coating of shredded angel flake coconut over the top. after that rupert murdoch song, she would sometimes add a can of crushed drained pineapple to the top to make a "pina colada cake". gotta love old lady cake!

Grandmother's Cake Recipe
(Julia Ewan for The Washington Post)

10 to 12 servings

This is the cake that my grandmother served my mother for her 15th birthday and that I served my daughter when she turned 15. My grandmother would make this cake by hand, but I take advantage of modern electric mixers and parchment paper. The frosting, a seven-minute icing also from my grandmother's book, has a marshmallow-like flavor and consistency.

For an elegant presentation, you can create a four-layer cake by splitting each layer in half. If you do that, double the amount of frosting. Adapted from "The American Woman's Cook Book," by Ruth Berolzheimer (Avon Books, 1941).

~ Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. 

~ For the cake:
3 cups sifted cake flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
4 teaspoons baking powder
2 cups heavy cream
4 eggs, beaten thick and lemon-colored
2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract

~ For the frosting:
1 egg white
3/4 cup sugar
3 tablespoons cold water
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

Use a boxed cake mix or,

Lightly grease two 9-inch-round cake pans or line them with parchment paper.In a medium bowl, sift the flour, salt and baking powder together. Set aside.

Using a hand-held or stand mixer on high speed, whip the cream until soft peaks form. Add the eggs, one at a time, beating until light and foamy. Add the sugar, then the vanilla extract. Gently incorporate the flour mixture into the egg mixture. Place half of the batter into each of the prepared cake pans and bake 30 to 35 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the center of the cake has only loose crumbs attached. Transfer to a wire rack. After about 20 minutes, invert the cake layers on the rack to cool completely.

~For the frosting: Place the egg white, sugar and water in the top of a double boiler or in a large bowl set over simmering water. With a hand-held mixer, beat on low speed for 7 minutes or until the mixture thickens and appears glossy. Add the vanilla extract and beat to incorporate.

Place one of the cooled cake layers on a serving platter. Spread on a thin layer of the frosting, then gently place the other cake layer on top. Spread the remaining frosting on the top and sides. Serve immediately or cover loosely with waxed paper and refrigerate until ready to serve.

~ Per serving (based on 12): 437 calories, 5 g protein, 67 g carbohydrates, 17 g fat, 125 mg cholesterol, 10 g saturated fat, 272 mg sodium, 0 g dietary fiber

clothing the naked masses

itchy came over last week-end. we make to a carnival together and went to steak-n-shake afterwards. we ate frozen waffles and bacon on a rainy sunday. we made a profile on some fashion tween site and she downloaded that freaking justin beiber song to her little player- if i never hear it again, that will be finr eith me! if she wasn't playing it, she was singing it. or listening and singing at the same time.

we also dressed the naked barbies.

but all i could find that would work fast was this ugly knit fabric, pink and brown and orange stripes. so i was able to cut out dresses for the 3 girl dolls.

the boy doll will require some sewing, so we will do him later.

i can't decide if her dolls look like a band or a very small cult. i will determine that later when i take a picture to post here.

when we got home from the grocery store, i hear some rustling in the back of the house. when i looked out, i saw two does scampering across the yard toward the pond area. of course, THE SUN WASN'T OUT, so i can't show you how beautiful the pond looks. i have never posted any photos of where i live but maybe i will start. i live in a plain house with an extraordinary lot. i have ancient cedars that hover over the pond and make a canopy that encircles it, almost like some pagan-ish worship site. or maybe something hobbit-y. it's neat.

soon, there will be pictures. i promise.

i have a birthday party to go to tomorrow. the woman is 62 and loves to deer hunt, so i bought her some really nice socks, pink wool ones, to wear under her big camo socks. i also bought a 12 pack each of coke and pepsi to take to the party. i was price matching the coke but the pepsi was regular price. the cashier informed me that pepsi was not a coke product. she sounded exasperated with me. i told her i knew, that i was only matching the coke, as well as the cherry dr. pepper for my house, but i would not be matching the pepsi as it was not a coke product. she kept saying, "i can't match that, it's not a coke product anywway", then i would say, "i know, i only want to price match the coke and dr. pepper, please." then it would start over again.

the woman behind me was laughing at us.

finally she rang them up. i know she rang them up correctly, because she verbally verified each keystroke.

and the sad thing is i knew how to do it anyway. i've price-matched so many times, i know the ringing sequence.

sad.

i realzed tonight was the first time i have been out of the house since last saturday night.

i've got to get a social life.

a new show for kate gosselin

i really miss "jon & kate plus 8", i mean in a major way. i don't like the idea of the children being exploited. i would make the kids a secondary plot line. i would & focus on the dynamics of the relationship between jon & kate. they could just go on having their little spats and slap fights, and she could tell him he was breathing too loud, and he could tell her to take the stick out of her behind.

but this would be a sitcom, about a couple who have a reality show about their 8 children. Due to marital disharmony, they are in danger of losing their show- and all that money!- so they secretly decide to act as if their marriage is all hunky dorry! we could introduce a couple of core FRIENDS and then add the randoms who pass through the snow. the teacher of their sextuplets could be a good character to include, as well as their baby-sitter. jon would have a job, because kate didn't treat him quite like dirt when he had a job. all the money from the show is going toward some tax lien, so they aren't really affected by the money, but they need it. they are still appreciative of all the freebies and trips. they still have the stress of jon needing to work.

they are still ordinary people, not paparazzi fodder. they are so vanilla no one cares. no slut clothes, no ed hardy, no hair plugs or weave, no purse-toting sexy bodyguard. wait, we'll keep the bodyguard and make him gay! and an uncle! yeah, a guncle. and kate would keep fixing him up with her female friends. hilarity will ensue!

i may buy the dvd's of the series. i will check and see if my library has them. otherwise, i will have my sister buy them for me for christmas. i usually say pillows, but i think i have the exact right number of pillows and blankets. oh, but i could use another set of sheets! well, maybe my mom will buy some sheets. i just always have a hard time coming up with stuff when i'm put on the spot.

i bet if i wait long enough, tlc will come up with another likeable family to run to ruin and i will be happy once again.

cheapo

i found the most incredible deal at the store today but i think i threw the receipt away.

wal-mart had some dairy stuff about to expire was on sale and i found yoplait yogurts for .10! then i used a coupon and got .80 off of the ten. so i paid twenty cents for 10 yogurts.

the cashier called over her supervisor to see if they could take it. i ended paying .02 each for the yogurts!

blogger is acting funky with pictures or else i would show them all lined up in a row!

my next long term goal- a mystery give-away!

i've noticed with the site meter count that i have a lot of visitors. so i've got a new goal.

i would like to get as many followers as possible and get a ton of comments. i would like to get a lot of twitter followers. i would like to win the lottery.

lottery aside, if i get 100 followers on my blog, i will host a dual giveaway. everybody that follows me and was referred to me by someone else will earn them an entry, as well as the person who invited them.

so here's the deal: 2 prizes, one for followers of the blog and/or twitter followers, the other for people who invite people to join. this will occur if i have at least 100 followers here on the blog. the twitter followers are just gravy, okay? i always follow people who follow me. i don't twitter often, i prefer to just answer tweets.

leave me comments and let me know what you did. if someone invited you, please include their name and email in your entry. if you just want to comment, that's an entry too.

i don't know what the giveaway will be, you know i am a bargain shopper, so it will be something good. i may even wait until they win and i will let them tell me what kinds of things they like. maybe it will be a regift from christmas. or something i was going to put on ebay. or maybe i'll make something fabulous and sparkly. but i promise you'll like it1

tell all your friends!. here is the tiny url to put up on your blog. it links back to this entry: http://tinyurl.com/mostcake

my husband is talking to his aunt about holiday plans. i think we are having thanksgiving here and christmas at their house, unless something changes between now and then.

that's good, i have a lot of thanksgiving serving dishes. i can make a presentable table that should be on the cover of a food magazine. i also make a cherry pie with dark and regular cherries, so it's kind of polka-dotted. it's delicious!

lasy year, i make this pie and i made a very elaborate in the top of the top crust. smokie- my husband's cousin- didn't think it was real and accidentally pulled a huge hunk off of the top. then he had the nerve to say, "i didn't think it was real. i didn't know you could make anything that looked like that."

then he tried to make some cornbread to outdo my jalapeno-onion corn cakes. he didn't know that part of the way it turns out is the pan is use. so he failed. i win. go, me!

i think i will make my cherry pie and some kind of egg custard or chess pie. maybe pecan pie with something besides pecans in it.

i want to make a cake too. maybe delicious coconut with cool whip frosting. i saw a recipe you made a week ahead of time. i have to find that recipe. southern living? martha? bhg? i hope i haven't given the magazine away.

i have to begin making plans for thanksgiving. i always make a master list of all the dishes, then i make a list that has the ingredients for each dish, then i have a consolidated list to shop for all the dishes at once. much list-making to be done.

then i have to look for coupons for all of it. and mark the list if item is couponed.

then shop, cross referencing several exel spreadsheets to make proper choices.

then load and unload the groceries- i must remember to take a laundry basket or two, so i can load them up at the store, then drag/kick them into the house to unload.

then everything for thanksgiving is marked with a sharpie letter T, so nobody will eat up thanksgiving before the day arrives.

then you get to cook.

for hours and hours, and before then, you chop and peel and make stock and it's a never ending spiral until the meal.

then all is good.

but later, you will clean.

but that will be later, after you have had pie, too much pie.

and cake!

i am redeemed!

my stupid dil has done a complete 180 from last week. i think she is a freaking fruitcake.

suddenly, i am able to see the kids again! i will have the little girl from friday night until sunday night. i have great plans for us: i have IHOP coupons we can use friday, then there is a FREE carnival saturday afternoon. they always have food- hamburgers or hotdogs), drinks, lots of candy, carnival-type games, inflatables (like bouncy houses and slides),a petting zoo with pony rides and a cake walk.

i went last year with root and both kids. i had to go to the bathroom REALLY bad. i walked toward the church building and followed the arrow that said restrooms.

somehow i ended up in line for the cake walk.

now, i love me some cake. and these were homemade cakes made by little old ladies. so i had every plan to win me a cake. but first, i need a bathroom in the worst of ways!

but i'm in the cake walk, about to wet my pants and ruin my good time. then it happened.

i won.

i won a HUGE homemade butter pound cake. this was a heavy buttery hunk of old lady deliciousness. i ended up giving the cake to my son, as he kept trying and he never won a cake. the little girl won some cupcakes and the little boy won a HUGE chocolate truffle cake that i think came from wal-mart.

but if my granddaughter is hungry after the carnival, i have coupons for steak 'n shake. she loves that place. she's all about the milkshakes.

we need to make some kind of craft. i have some felt we can use to make a dog poncho for her dog. i just need to run up a bobbin to use in my little sewing machine, the bobbin is out of thread.

i guess this means i need to buy my dil something for her birthday. i am going to target tomorrow, so i can pick up something for her then. i also have a set of lip glosses someone gave me for my birthday that i never opened. so yes, i am guilty- i am regifting! but i never opened it, it didn't come from her and she doesn't even know i have it. so i will buy something to go with that.

it's hard to buy a good gift for someone you don't like.

i might just buy her some potholders or kitchen towels. you don't have to be emotionally invested to buy potholders.

broke!

payday is tomorrow, which is good as i am broke.

i have begun thinking about christmas. i want to get the grandkids nice gifts but i don't know exactly what to get them, as i haven't been around them a lot lately. my son and chicky are getting a big bottle of laundry detergent.

bobo is getting new glasses tomorrow. he has a second job interview for a job. i hope he gets it. we have been trying to communicate more. i can see where he is making an effort. me? i've been trying since we got married! i never stopped "being there". he had just checked out and i guess i can blame it on being depressed about having no job. but things are better. we still have out separation agreement in place, just in case. can you tell we are kinda on the fence about this thing? i just don't want my heart broken.

i have to try to balance the money better this month. with the car repair bill paid, i have more cash. plus i don't have to buy CELLPHONES this month! stupid little horse's ass of a dil!

i feel so much freedom since i cock-blocked her on facebook. i feel like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. it a good feeling.

enough about her, her rent-free days of living in my mind are over! evicted!

so tomorrow i get to go to target to pick up my medications. big whoop! i heart target!

we have no groceries, so i guess we will do that this week-end. but first we are going to red lobster tomorrow night! it's endless shrimp time! plus i have a coupon! i got it on the internet! you can find one too over at . he's a fun read! i asked him about the aacye etiquette and he answered me. amazingly it was what i do anyway. but shrimp is good! we need to be hungry when we go there. i promise not to make a pig of myself!

okay, okay, i will try.

unfriended: friend or fiend?

it's no secret that my dil "unfriended" me on facebook after a disagreement. she told me it was a "social thing" and it was her choice to have only those who she wanted to be social with as a friend. i even send her a friend request with a semi-spology, something along the lines of "we don't have to be friends but we don't have to be enemies. i'm extending you the olive branch so that we can get along for the sake of our families and not cause them anymore hurt."

she declined my invite.

i don't really care about the facebook thing. i only started using it at her urging. there was an incident last year where she left some very disparaging remarks about me and i confronted her about it. she said she left her account logged in and her friends posted it as a joke. i was greatly offended, as anyone would be. she never apologized for her friends, did anything in the way of showing those were not her true feelings or removed the post. so the nasty remarks stayed there.

the fact that anyone knew anything about me tells me that she runs her mouth way too much to too many people.

back on point: i could care less about facebook. it's like an arcade of fun things and games. you can send little e-gifts to people. i have bonded with a few people i never got to know in high school. i am friends with bloggers i have read. i can take facebook or leave it. if it disappeared tomorrow, i wouldn't miss it. well, maybe for a day or two. then i would forget about it.

she reveres facebook like it were a religion, so what bothers me is the amount of hatred and vengenance she put into her decision to unfriend me. heck, her ex-husband is on her friends list and she claims her beat the stew out of her everyday for 2 years! my son has both of her parents listed a his friends, but it's too hard for her to just leave me as a friend and ignore my posts.

unfriending someone is a coward's way of managing conflict. tiff with someone? don't resolve it, just unfriend them. just cut them off cold. they don't matter anyway. just get them out of your life. i saw online a definition as: to unfriend someone is to silently tell them that you don't like them and hope they die, but that they die a slow painful death. very passive-aggressive, don't you think? that big "f" logo now stands for F U!

being that i am no longer her friend, i'm sure she will understand why there will be no gifts for her on her birthday, no nice designer handbag for her this christmas, no anything special or "friend-like" ever again.

remember, she's not my friend.

this became an issue today when her BOOTIFUL face appeared on my wall, via a tagged photo on my son's page. why should i do anything for anyone who is not my friend? the church i sometimes attend collects gifts for people in a nursing home, i'm sure the money i would have spent on her will be more appreciated by someone there. it will go a lot further and might actually bring joy to someone who isn't as spoiled as buttermilk. maybe they'll be my friend, even if they don't know me.

to avoid seeing her, i took it up a notch today.

i blocked her.

i can still access her page using a friend's account, so i can see photos of the grandkids if i desire. but i will no longer be subjected to her face randomly popping up on my wall and ruining my day.

i started to delete my account altogether, but that's not fair to me. i shouldn't penalize myself because she's being a horse's ass to me. i am by no means addicted to it, but if i want to play yoville or send a heart to a friend who is down, i should be able to do it. she can't dictate my actions.

by blocking her, i am being a friend: to myself.

cake is magic

i put up a new cake for us. in fact, it's a cake with cupcakes. i think it's cute. i am going to start changing out the cakes at the beginning of every month, so we don't get spoiled.

but i think i still prefer wedding cake. white icing, white flowers, white writing, white, white, white. that way the only thing you taste is the sugar and butter. not dyes. they have a funky taste.

there was nothing sweet in my house this week-end. trust me, i looked. i kept looking in the cabinet hoping to find the goodie fairy had slipped something in there.

then this morning, i find two boxes of brownies. behind the box of stovetop stuffing.

but i will try to hold off on making them until thursday. or friday.

or until later this afternoon.

cake is magic.

dear dr. pepper

dear dr. pepper,

if you're reading this, you've thought about me and the man. we miss your company.

it's ok to come over. just please don't come over messed up. and don't bring drugs with you. call before you come. don't bring your dates with you please. i don't like being judged in my own home.

we aren't exciting people. we live a slow life. if you want to play monopoly sometime, stop by.

i'll even let you be the cowboy.

another day

i got up at 6 and loaded my car with yardsale stuff. i was ready for a good yardsale from 5-noon. i hoped to make $50, enough to go to red lobster and have endless shrimp.

long story short, the yardsale is going to go down next week. that will give me enough time to get some stuff together and sell lots of crap. i think i will put the money toward paying off my car. i am so close! that's almost $250 bucks i will free up and be able to save it up for things that need to be paid.

like propane.

it seems like every month, there is $300 that needs to fall out of the sky. i am making a little bit selling things on ebay and the occasional yardsale, but i need some type of business that can be done with a minimal investment. any ideas? right now i am setting up a set of shelves for ebay auctions. i'm stashing boxes and tape and odd paper to use for packing. every bit i can reuse or recycle is money in my pocket. i am wrapping the clothing up in flashy tissue paper and closing it with a hello kitty sticker, just trying to give it more perceived value.

i wish i knew how to suddenly make a million dollars a day with my blog, like suddenly i become one of the big money-making non-mommy bloggers out there. would i crack under the pressure or would i remain myself and make being fat suddenly the hottest thing out there. i would just like to have cash and pay off everything at once, car and house! then i would be happy. it's hard to believe that at one point in time, i owned 2 rental homes that brought in $500 each, 1 that rented for $750, not to mention my huge house on the rich side of tinytown. i used to be on easy street. one day i will have all that again, and this time i know enough to respect it.

i have a secret money story that i will share someday. once you read it, you will see everything totally different. it turns the entire world around. you will understand how i can be so blase sometimes about money. or why i am having such a hard time with money right now. but that is for another day.

since october 1, i have been spending at least 5 minutes a day on my balance ball, sometimes 5 times a day. it's getting me moving. i just sit on it and bounce around the room as i put stuff away. every day. i lost 6 lbs. last week. i think i have finally broken through a 4 month plateau. i have to get a pound a week off. if i could do that, i would be happy. but i would rather lose like 3-4 lbs. instead. if i did that, i'd be fine in no time.

i sometimes read mckmama at mycharmingkids.net, and i was somewhat shocked to read of the charges against her. the examples i found on another site were kind of shocking. who thinks they can get away with plagarism like that? i would have summarized it differently and explained that i was paraphrasing their work, assuming of course, i had their permission.

there seem to be a lot of people suddenly getting cancer. i don't know if it's really happening, or if cancer is the new depression, but there's a lot of people out their blogging about their cancer adventures. i think they are brave if they are true, and slapped upside the head with a wooden ruler if they are faking. i have seem somoe articles about people faking cancer, and i always wonder now if someone is real or fake when they announce they have cancer. if you go from point a to point b, one might assume that blogging causes cancer. i hope not.

october is breast cancer month and think i will find a new cake for us.

someting that tastes like roses.

something that tastes like life.

something pink.

still sitting at home

i am having a yard sale this week-end, or Friday at least. i am takinig some stuff over to a friend's house in the nearest town. her house is on tthe way in and out of town, as well as 1/2 block from the farmer's market. we should get a lot of traffic there for sure!

i have several more rubbermaid totes of stuff ready to be sold. i have fat ladies clothes listed on ebay. i figure i will get more money selling them there. i have 2 blouses on there right now, as well as a relisted pair of kenneth cole unlisted red shoes.

i won't have any money until the end of next week if i don't sell some crap. paying for those car repairs has kicked my butt and emptied my wallet. i need some juice, if you know what i mean.

i am rejoining the ymca, since i now have a car everyday. i miss the morning water aerobics classes, as well as swimming. i never touched the weight room, but well, it's there if i ever get the urge to pump iron. the ymca in super tinytown is having a special enrollment wth no enrollment fee, so that's a savings of $90! once i have my membership, i can go to the fancy one in richbabytown.

i got to see my grandkids last night. we had a good night. i went to their soccer game then we went out to eat. i ate my side salad and brought the catfish poboy home to bobo, who is sick. otherwise he would have gone with me.

i lost 6 lbs. last week in some fluke of nature. i just hope i don't put it back on this week. i would like to lose at least 1 lb. a week.

my closets will be almost empty when i finish selling all the clothes that are too big for me. i just got a pair of jeans from amazon.com, using swagbucks and a credit from the cionstar machine. coinstar services are free if you get an amazon.com or other certificate. it's hard to find a machine that gives certificates, so check it out at coinstar.com.

wish me luck and sunshine as i try to foist off my junk in exchange for money. paper money, hopefully!

church?

i have been invited to go to church with a friend. her church is having a potluck dinner. i have been to a few functions they have had and they have some good cooks at that church!

they are non-denominational. it is not even called a church, it's a christian fellowship center. they play the electric keyboards and have a house band. i have been to one of their services which was a food function. then i went to a fall carnival with chris and the kids, where i ended up in the cake walk instead of the restroom and i really had to pee. then i won a cake and almost wet my pants to make it in time.

i guess if you want me to go to church, you better feed me.

i ended up going to bed very early yesterday, like taking a nap at 3 p.m. that i never woke up from. yeah, i had a couple of calls but i couldn't ever stay awake. i ended up sleeping until 5 a.m. tv sucks at that time of day.

over the past few days, i have been trying to clean out the pantries and stuff, and purge what doesn't need to be in the cabinets. i now have shelves in the garage, so i have somewhere to put those big items i use once in a blue moon, like a turkey roaster or crock-pot.

a very good friend of mine sold me a very beautiful mirror for less than the price of a cup of coffee- at starbucks, of course! i am going to get some 1/4 round and have it cut to the length of the mantel, then paint it white. then i will nail it down halfway across the middle. that way the mirror will have something to hold it in place. i don't trust these walls to hold up a mirror.

i need to look for some mint while i am at lowe's. i need some mint for the back yard, to keep the ants away.

well, i better get it in gear if i am going to be at church at 6!

old lady food and a funeral

i went to the funeral. i met my husband's lesbian cousin with the shaved head who kept playing with her crotch as if she was packing heat. i had to go to the bathroom and laugh silently into a wadded up bath towel.

when someone dies, people bring food. since i knew this was going to be an old lady funeral, i decided to eat there, where it would be delicious and free, versus the chinese place. so we saved $20! i ate:

1. 2 thin slices brown sugar ham
2. 1 T. coleslaw
3. 1 T. potato salad
4. 1 T. bbq beans
5. 1 t. bbq meat drizzled with a bit of sauce- i just wanted a bite!
6. 1 pig-in-a-blanket, full size roll with whole hotdog inside
7. 2 weird weird sushi-ish looking things that turned out to be green olives with pimentos on a piece of ham, with cream cheese smeared all over the ham, then rolled out and cut into individual olives. it looked like eyeballs. i think it may have a been a halloween recipe someone saw somewhere and thought it might be cute. it looked like an eyeball with puss around it with the pink open tissue tipped from inside an eye socket. i ate two, because i think they should be eaten in pairs. i think it was probably a recipe from the early '60s. cuz eating eyeballs? no thank you! 2 were enough! eyeball sushi is not something i anticipate craving.

there was also a ding-dong cake, which i refused. i don't eat desserts with naughty names made by uber christian ladies so they can say "ding-dong" over and over. i refuse to eat "better than sex chocolate cake" and i don't want to "drink a sex on the beach" or have a "screaming orgasm" either. i'd rather do those without liquor. the original is always better than a co[y. i don't eat things that sound like you should get carnal with it. just a rule.

i also had 2 crackers wrapped in bacon and baked. they were to die for, but the recipe sounds like something you might make if you were really stoned and got bad muchines and there was no other food in the house. those old ladies might be chiefing. maybe it's good for their bursitis.

i also met the floozy sister who is an rn and goes to vegas twice a year, but dresses like she's in vegas all year long. she had on some orange knit pants with the seam up the front and a wild polyester blouse with orange around the neckline. then she had on at least a medium-sized box of jewelry, with at least a ring or two on every finger. just dripping with the bling. sister had her hair dyed deep red and wearing it in cascading waves down her back. she was 63. her skin was the color of old wax candles and she had on a ton of make-up, but underneath all the make-up, she was spotted! so many liver spots it looked like an animal print! time for the porciellana fade cream. she talked about vegas constantly. she also said "ding dong cake" quite a number of times.

his aunt was cremated and her urn was buried under the headstone. she had planned her own service down on paper before she passed. people got up and told stories about her. i didn't. several people told of her going over to the church worksite next door to her and working at night, alone, putting in the flooring and cleaning up the worksite.

the crowd was shocked at the end, when her granddaughter had asked no prayers be said for her, you could sense the tension.

we took the correct route home this time and shaved 20 minutes and 32 miles short off the best time.

there was no reading of the will, but i overheard the attorney tell the executor of the estate that everything would go out in the mail in the morning. hummm, i wonder...

we haven't heard from joe's friend in almost 2 months. he must be having a hell of a relapse. take it from elmo, drugs are bad. is that message not everywhere? where's the
Partnership For a Drug-Free America: Cocaine PSA - (1987)
Uploaded by poundsdwayne47. - Watch feature films and entire TV shows.">nose sniffing up the color tv when you need it?

facebooking

i was thinking tonight about my DIL "unfriending" me on facebook. seriously, that's supposed to cause ww3? facebook is stupid, if i didn't play "yoville" i wouldn't ever have started. but back to the subject, i'm supposed to be really devasted by this maneuver made by her, the coup de grace.

what grade am i supposed to be in? today that made me laugh off loud. which is ok, i don't have a lot to laugh at these days.

so here is my facebook entry.


i had a moment of clarity and hilarity. someone did something stupid that was meant to hurt me and i realized that it's not what they did that hurt my feelings, but all the evil and venom they put into doing this stupid gesture that hurt me. i was suddenly hit with how stupid their gesture was in the first place, and how stupid they are to think that their little evil action is going to ruin my life. for the first time, in a long time, i laughed out loud. i spent too much time sad because of their evil effort and today it hit me how stupid and petty they are to have done what they did. thank you, idiotic evil one, for the best and hardest laugh i've had in a long time. prepare to be evicted, you can't live rent-free in my head anymore. you will need me before i will need you. by the way, i learn from my mistakes, unlike you. don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you. consider this bridge burned! have a good life, dingbat!

had i tweeted this, it would have to be more succinct.

i think i told you the story about how a few months ago chicky dissed me on facebook, denied doing it and has now unfriended me. i'm supposed to crushed by this. i did send her an apology via the "make a friend" button and she denied me a from being her friend. good for her. her birthday is in 3 weeeks. i hope she remembers that we aren't friends.

the funny part is she thinks the mere act pisses me off. it's not that, it's how important she thinks social media is...did i miss something? she thinks she really hurt my feelings because she did that. no, i;m not sad about facebook, i am sad you want to hurt me so bad.

and all i ever did was be her friend.

i was kinda down over this tonight. but then i hit me and i just had to laugh at her stupidity.

she 'unfriended' me. i can't buy her christmas or birthday or anniversary or just because gifts if we aren't friends.

she's not my friend.

i'm crushed. haha.

i submitted my essay to real simple. you had to finish the sentence "i never thought i..." my answer was "...become a mother-in=law."

i don't look to win the prize, but it would be enough to pay off my car. it felt good to get it down on paper regardless. which is priceless.

a twitter party and an away giveaway

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Party Topic:
This Tuesday, September 28, help us kick off Breast Cancer Awareness month by joining the #gno Twitter party from 9-11 ET (8-10 CT, 7-9 MT, 6-8 PT) with the amazing gals from Snapfish by HP and our team of mom bloggers.
Be sure to click here to check out this week’s giveaway where you can enter for a chance to win one of FIVE $50 Snapfish gift certificates.
Party Details

What:
Girls’ Night Out (#gno) Twitter party (Click here to learn about #gno!)
Sponsor: Snapfish by HP

When:
Tuesday, September 28 from 9-11 p.m. EST (8-10 CT, 7-9 MT, & 6-8 PT)
Where: Party with us on our very own Custom Tweetgrid (check back Tues for link)! (Use hashtags #gno and #Snapfish.)

Topic:
Breast Cancer Awareness

Who:
Brand Panelists TBD
Panelists: @audreymcclellan @babybites @dadarocks @greeblemonkey @JoyceHarrellRN @pickel Moderators@jylmomIF @Dadventurous @troypattee and @momitforward

Party Favors:
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just like mother's day

my son promised to come by today after church. however, in a pattern that is rapidly repeating itself, he was left with 2 vehicles with no gas and no money to buy gas. i offered to give him money to come over her, but he declined. turns out his wife is asking her mother for money. i thought she didn't believe family exchanged money, so i can only assume the money is a gift and not a loan. otherwise, to return the money would constitute an exchange. i thinks it's the paying back part she dislikes.

i hate this. it makes me want to cry because she is treating my son like a battered spouse and even sadder, he's taking it from her.

i can't change her, only court-ordered psych evaluation might be able to do that.

i didn't cry this time. does it mean i am starting not to care?

i hope not.

life lessons

i have a younger sister. actually, she weighs more than me, so right now, i am "the skinny one" although i still have to shop the plus sizes.

when my car messed up, she offered me $300. i told her to keep it and we would see if i needed it. i didn't want to take it from her if i really ended up not needing it. then she called 2 weeks later and told me, never mind, she doesn't have it. that's okay. i ended up ebaying a few possessions, having a garage sale, buying my groceries at the salvage store (train wrecks, etc. you have to inspect it really closely and make sure you can run the cans through a can opener) and gave up going out to eat. i also didn't buy a single thing i didn't need desperately.

today she tells me that she ordered $200 bucks worth of lancome make-up. then she told me about eating brunch at this expensive place downtown. she also had her nails done and a facial at some spa on thursday- a treat from her husband.

i feel really poor, and really jealous.

i just have to keep going 19 more days until my next check. i have gas, i have medicine, i have groceries, i have laundry detergent, shampoo, toilet paper and soap. i don't smoke, so that's not an issue.

i do have a funeral to go to this week, my husband's elderly aunt. she was 82 years old and while she was more of a broad than a lady, i had great respect for here. if you didn't know she was married with 2 sons, you would have thought she was a big butch lesbian. she work men's work shoes or boots, over-alls and flannel shirts all the time. she had a short and snappy haircut that required noting but a swipe from a comb whipped from your back pocket. she smoked unfiltered camels and drank those little cokes in glass bottles you had to buy special from the bottler (she eventually caved and bought cans). she wore a baseball cap and drove a pick-up, always white.

she died of lung cancer. she would only quit when they threatened her with going back to the nursing home.

luckily there is enough gas in either of the cars to get there. my vote: drive the cheapo car and splurge on dinner at the cheap chinese place on the way home- it's 100 miles each way!

at one point, my husband and i and my son were in the will of the deceased relative. i know it has been changed several times since then. if we get some cash, good deal. maybe it will be enough money to pay off my car. or maybe enough to fill the propane tank.

if my son gets some money, his wife will have it spent before he gets home.

i don't care if we get a penny, i learned a lot from her:

1. make your own mistakes. it's easier to live with that way.
2. get your education one truth at a time. use your life experiences and learn from them.
3. if you want to learn something, write it repeatedly until you can write it by heart.
4. if you want something to be a secret, never put it in print or say it out loud.
5. when life is difficult and it would be easier to bury your head under the covers, don't! it's better to spend the time doing a simple task with mindless repetition while you think the whole thing over. at least you will have your chore done, your thinking cleared out and you will have more energy. you will probably be able to sleep better if you are exhausted and the majority of your worrying will be done.
6. don't make hasty decisions- good or bad. consider all things.
7. it's okay to cry- just do it in private and make sure it's important.
8. whether you believe it or not, you are known by the company you keep. and your company is known by you, so keep your nose clean.
9. there's a nice, polite way to say anything. the best insult is one that takes the recipient a few days to figure out it was an insult.
10. always smile. that way people will take you serious when you stop smiling.

i will miss aunt do-do, like the bird.

wallowing in pity

ok, enough of this crap of tiny posts. i forget this isn't twitter!

but i can't think i much to say. i am stuck here in this house until SOMEONE finds a job. i don't think he is looking very hardm especially if he feels as depressed as i feel. i feel dead inside.

dying embers

i can only hope that i see no more firefighters. the town has an official burn ban right now. i can't wait to get the list of crap people aren't allowed to burn.

i wonder if phonographic records will be on there. the hoa where i used to live had a ban on burning phonographic records (KISS, rolling stones, etc) and large volumes of printed materials (like peyton place and are you there god? it's me, margaret?.

yes, they gave those examples. i should have moved away from that place years before i finally left.

life sucks

i am in a holding pattern.

i lack the energy to get up, to get out, to do anything.

i need a vacation.

i don't care where i go.

i don't care what i do.

i don't care when i come back.

i don't care if i come back.

i just want to not

be. here. now.

did they add more month when i wasn't looking?

it's only september 1st and i am broke!

i just took the target gift cards i was saving for christmas and bought groceries.

the target i went to isn't yet a grocery store (coming september 9th!) so i had to buy a lot of processed foods- canned and frozen crap i wouldn't make my first food choices if i had cash.

but i won't go hungry!

ode to the damage the succubus caused

in-laws become outlaws, friends become foes,
but the ones who always love you aren't people you chose.

they gave you life, they gave you comfort, they gave you morals,
they always love you in spite of the quarrels.

one day you'll realize they won't be here forever,
so make the most of your time with your parents, it's now or never.

always love them and never forget,
love them now and you'll have no regret.

once they are gone, you'll fear the future and grieve the past,
so take the present they give, it will not last.

time is short and comes at great cost.
turn your back on them now and all is lost.

one day you will have grown children of your own,
they may reject you and leave you all alone.

it with hit you like a boulder with the weight of its truth:
you bought that loneliness from your parents with the ignorance of your youth.

if i lived in a perfect world...

if i were a month, i’d be october.

if i were a day, i’d be thursday.

if i were a time of day, i’d be 11:20 p.m.

if i were a font, i’d be lucinda handwriting.

if i were a sea animal, i’d be a sand dollar.

if i were a direction, i’d be due east.

if i were a piece of furniture, i’d be a 2 occasional chairs with a reading lamp and a table between them.

if i were a liquid, i’d be ice water.

if i were a gemstone, i’d be an aquamarine.

if i were a tree, i’d be a flowering cherry.

if i were a tool, i’d be a mont blanc pen.

if i were a flower, i’d be a daffodil.

If i were an element of weather, i’d be a breeze.

If i were a musical instrument, i’d be a triangle.

If i were a color, i’d be tiffany blue.

If i were an emotion, I’d be disenchantment.

If i were a fruit, i’d be a ripe juicy peach.

if i were a sound, i’d be silence.

if i were an element, i’d be cobalt.

if i were a car, i’d be a 1962 thunderbird.

if i were a food, i’d be a pink cupcake with sprinkles.

if i were a place, i’d be a beach at dawn.

if i were a material, i’d be freshly laundered sun-dried winkled linen.

if i were a taste, i’d be spicy.

if i were a scent, i’d be birthday cake.

if i were a body part, i’d be the nape of the neck.

if i were a song, i’d be sung by van halen.

if i were a gift, i’d be beautifully wrapped.

if i were a city, i’d be saint louis.

if i were a door, i’d be open and french.

if i were a pair of shoes, i’d be pink cowboy boots.

if i were a short story, i’d be the lottery by shirley jackson.

swiped and edited from fatbridesmaid.com, who swiped it fom someone else.