it feels like i'm in junior high

i have been an ass-kicking, friend-losing bitch lately. root and chickie are still mad at me. the grandkids won't be here until next week-end, maybe everything will be resolved by then. with psycho-bitch-in-law, you getwhat you get. you never know. i haven't talked or texted either of them all week, save an 1 1/2 hour screamfest with chickie on monday. root is texting joe. i think she checks the phone bill to sure he doesn't call me. i am actually at peace with it. i didn't do too much crying. i have not been too sad. i feel strangely serene. i know it's not my son, it's his nutso wife. my sister is still in a manic phase. my loan is coming along. no one is looking at my fav house. i think i can get it cheap. i should be there in a month! SQUEE! i found the paint you put on the countertops to make them look like marble and granite. i am getting the blue and i am going to duplicate the kitchen we had 2 houses ago. it was the bomb. it shall be the bomb again, my dear. i promise to give you pics and let you know if it works. i can't wait to get it in shape. i am keeping the sunporch like it is, but using astro-turf for a rug and painting the ceilings blue. i also need to paint the ceiling fan blades. they are leaf shaped and i am thinking a green-ish brown, the color of a real palm tree leaf. i am thinking about getting cream colored twin sheets for curtains. wicker and garden furniture. a futon on one end for guests. and it has a cool cabinet on the wall. i can hide my spice hoard. can you tell that in my mind, i am living in that house right now? i will be so let down if i don't get it. but i will get it. i have to get it. it's perfect.

the day everyone hates me

mother's day was enacted in 1908 to be sure that all mothers got recognition for all they do the other 364 days. cards and flowers are the norm. boxes of candy and fancy brunches are also big here in the south. a great time is had by all. except me. my son unfriended me on facebook. he blames me for not having a great childhood. he blames me for abandoning him when he was 12. i had to leave my husband or i would go crazy and kill both of us! we had gone through a devastating house fire in which i lost everything i owned. well, i may have ended up with a shoebox of charred stuff. but i asked him to go with me. i gave him the choice. he chose to stay with his father. now due to his choice, i'm a bad mother. it was six months. i lived alone, stayed home 99% of time and just stayed by myself. i just needed to get away from my husband. i came home and life continued as if i had only been gone a few days. then my son had me thrown in jail on bogus domestic violence. what mother hasn't thrown up her arms in despair and said "whatever!", only he was right behind me and the second knuckle of one finger grazed his lip. one drop of blood. i was on probation for a year. i went to parenting classes with horrible people, including a woman who allowed someone to fuck her 4 month-old daughter for crack. a woman who turned tricks in front of her kids. a man who sold drugs out of the car while he rode 3 children around, no carseat. they almost laughed me out of the class. they were african-american. there was one other white chick, but her story involved slicing her husband's throat, so i doubt she was there for some easy reason. i went to every class, got a perfect attendance certificate and also a certificate for making a perfect score on my first try. the judge dismissed those, saying they weren't important. but they were important to me. and i ruined his life. i consider it a wash. but i ruined his life by something that he had a choice in. he had the choice to go to my apartment and also to visit anytime he wanted. i had no choice in going to jail, or to those horrible classes. i ruined his life 17 years ago and he forgot to tell me until yesterday.

i haven't been faithful...to my blog. it warms the cockles of my heart to think that 7 people in the entire world care what i think! thanks you, you 7 people bring me much joy. if you remember, i had a contest going like a freaking year ago to get 100 follows and i would giveaway an ipod. but i only ever ended with 7 followers. cuz nobody likes me. just 7 wonderful people. the giveaway is still active! bring your friends!

frankly, if you read me, you should follow me, if only so i get the little burst of pride when i see many followers. i'll give you some eye candy and maybe i will add an amazon link for one of my favorite things, much like oprah does. or a brandy snifter "donate" icon.

i am still working on the project with the picture of ms. liberty on it. we are in the stage of they want some pieces of paper and they will send me check. so i am searching for several tiny slips of paper which are vital .i am taking the time to declutter and pack up some stuff around  the house, so when we move, i won't have to do much.

yes, we are moving. i managed to get my credit score to the point i could get a house. so i am looking for a house that  has pergo or wood flooring, with some type of outside room or sunporch. $118k

i have found one plain jane cookie cutter house that is all pergo and tile, with a covered patio.

then i found a funky old house that has a screened-in porch around 2 sides of the house. it has lake access and a small dock. the house has old wood floors, a lipstick red kitchen counter top that should be burned, and the bedroom of my childhood, complete with a window seat with bookshelves. there is a single room like a loft. there is another bedroom a living room, dining room and den on the main level, then the funky garrett room.

under this house is a space the exact size of the house. half is outfitted as a woodshop. the other half is a (illegal) apartment. there are 3 sheds, a carport, and 2 dog runs. $89K

i am leaning toward the cheap house. i hope the insurance doesn't eat us up.

the bank called me out  the blue monday and schedued a call for 3 p.m. monday. they are either going to offer me money or tell me to leave them the fuck alone.

i hope it's money, then i can forget about the damned scraps of paper.

where did i go?

i hate the new blogger. just said it to get it off my chest.

the bank is dragging it's feet with me. i may end up in a dateline segment telling my story. i hope chris hansen and the "to catch a predator" crew don't pop in.

i have been approved for my loan, pending my collection of documents. all i need is the w-2 from last year and i am golden. i had no taxable income due to theft.

i have it down to 2 houses.

one is a newer cookie cut plop of earth dwelling, just like the rest of the ones on the block.

the other is the magic funky house at the lake, with all the room and the sun porch. the one with the magical master bedroom with the window seat and bookshelves. the one recently reduced another $10k! note is only $616, i can pay it off early and sit pretty with my social security.

my other patriotic project is coming along swimmingly and i have it down to almost nothing. i am getting a check with the statue of liberty, although it may be tinier than i expected. anything is  good! just as long as i don"t have to pay.

my bitch ass bi-polar sister had decided it would not be to her benefit to have  a relationship with me.  good riddance to bad rubbish.

i'm an orphan again

a few years back, 8 years to be exact, my mother began to shun me. my calls went unanswered and if i came over, no one answered the door. i could hear them behind the door, scuttling like rats. i could see the vehicle my mother and sister shared, so i knew they were both most assuredly home.

i think i am about to shun my sister.

i was supposed to take care of my mom, so i spent 2 days getting ready for her visit. usual crap, washing sheets and blankets, making sure i shop for food so the cupboard isn't bare.

then i waited all day friday and no one called. i got my son to call my asshole brother-in-law. my son asked why no one called. they claimed phone troubles. no apology given. but they were at my niece's house. they left my mother there, where she will be pressed into baby-sitting 6 kids, when she's not supposed to be watching even herself.

but the real reason i was worried was because my sister got a demerol prescription to tide her over until her nerve block today. so i was more afraid off her overdosing than thinking something may be wrong with my mom.

i don't need that kind of cap.

she told me she is going to start thinking only about herself. what the hell else has she been thinking about all these years? she is the most selfish person i have ever met. she only takes care of mom to keep the check.

so i am shunning her, like mom did me.

i will be thinking of myself first from now on. i get the best of everything. i get the biggest piece of cake, the one with a big fat rose on it.

desires of the heart

i found a nice house. it is very cheap and is about 70 years old. it is in two levels, with the full house on top and a walk-out basement as big as the house with a wood-working shop full of cabinets. the master bedroom has a bay window seat with bookcases built in, all along the entire call. it has water access. it has two storage buildings. there is a fenced area where my dog can run.

but the best of all is a screened-in room that runs around two sides of the house. finally, a place to use all my wicker pieces in one place. i am going to make some astro-turf rugs to delineate the different areas. it needs painting bad! but maybe we can have them paint it before we move-in.

it felt like a home. everything i need is on one level. most of the floors are wood or laminate.

it's super cheap.

the note is half of what mine is currently.

i can see myself in it.

i can pay it off quickly. i will have lots more cash every month. everything will be good all the way around.

i got some nasty letters from a place we all hold near and dear to our hearts. i will make a call to them on friday morning, i don't want to ruin my week.

i had friends over last week for a memorial service that included a late night ash-scattering at a train depot by a dark moon.  i will write about it later, once i can process it. we also divided her possessions. i got some tarot cards and books. i had more, but it smelled musty. i threw it away. bobo is sick and i didn't want him sicker. i have enough to remember her by. i don't need possessions to remind me of her.

i hope one day that stabby feeling in my heart i get when i think of her will go away.

did i mention that our garbage service is shut off? our address does not exist in their system. they scan the cart and it doesn't exist. if they can't scan the can, they don't pick it up. i have to go to some office and i will be gone soon, so why bother?.i have a few ladies who have offered to let me bring over garbage when i see them. short term solution.

starting over...all over again!

i have been a slacker.

i just i am a slacker.

i am off the diet track too.

we had a ceremony for my friend and scattered her ashes. she is done.

i have to get on with life. i can live even if she is dead.

i don't have to be fat. i can lose the weight.

i am trying to cut out my painkillers and eventually cut them out all together. did i tell you she died of an overdose?

i am looking for a house. not as much fun as i thought!

i am packing too. i have too much stuff. i'm having to just throw more stuff in the sell pile. i am packing only the things i love. i am having a big garage sale in my own driveway. i hope i make some money. even a little would help.

i'm just in a blue funk!

and i don't have any dish-washing liquid for the dishwasher.