if i lived in a perfect world...

if i were a month, i’d be october.

if i were a day, i’d be thursday.

if i were a time of day, i’d be 11:20 p.m.

if i were a font, i’d be lucinda handwriting.

if i were a sea animal, i’d be a sand dollar.

if i were a direction, i’d be due east.

if i were a piece of furniture, i’d be a 2 occasional chairs with a reading lamp and a table between them.

if i were a liquid, i’d be ice water.

if i were a gemstone, i’d be an aquamarine.

if i were a tree, i’d be a flowering cherry.

if i were a tool, i’d be a mont blanc pen.

if i were a flower, i’d be a daffodil.

If i were an element of weather, i’d be a breeze.

If i were a musical instrument, i’d be a triangle.

If i were a color, i’d be tiffany blue.

If i were an emotion, I’d be disenchantment.

If i were a fruit, i’d be a ripe juicy peach.

if i were a sound, i’d be silence.

if i were an element, i’d be cobalt.

if i were a car, i’d be a 1962 thunderbird.

if i were a food, i’d be a pink cupcake with sprinkles.

if i were a place, i’d be a beach at dawn.

if i were a material, i’d be freshly laundered sun-dried winkled linen.

if i were a taste, i’d be spicy.

if i were a scent, i’d be birthday cake.

if i were a body part, i’d be the nape of the neck.

if i were a song, i’d be sung by van halen.

if i were a gift, i’d be beautifully wrapped.

if i were a city, i’d be saint louis.

if i were a door, i’d be open and french.

if i were a pair of shoes, i’d be pink cowboy boots.

if i were a short story, i’d be the lottery by shirley jackson.

swiped and edited from fatbridesmaid.com, who swiped it fom someone else.

i can make you love me

the first time you saw him at the water fountain, he looked directly into your eyes with his beautiful baby blues as he swallowed the last gulp of water.

and you knew he was the one.

then later, in the cafeteria, you looked up from the copy of “the bell jar” you were eating your lunch behind and there he was, eating lunch three tables in front of you.

and you were both eating the beefy mac. It was a sign.

you memorized his schedule. you found out his address when you followed him home, walking a good block behind him.

you called his house from the payphone at the buy-n-bag. he said hello but you didn’t say anything or even breathe, just listened to him say hello? hello? before hanging up the phone. he sounded lonely.

One day you finally decided to make your move. He was coming home from his spanish tutor, going though the back road. he doesn’t turn around and see you sneaking from tree to tree and peeping at him.

you are right behind him. You say one sentence under your breath before you get in step with him:

“i can make you love me.”

if this makes no sense to you, check out the contest at halfasstic's place.

family secrets

i have big daughter-in-law problems, the biggest problem being she's a freaking succubus.

she's put a wedge between me and my son and alienated me from her children- who i consider to be my grand children.

she unfriended me on facebook. boo hoo, what grade am i in?

sometime last night i made peace with her in my heart.

i pity her. she's alienated her own family and my son is the only one who puts up with her crap.

so i sent her a facebook friend invite and extended the olive branch. i told her we didn't have to be friends but we don't have to be enemies.

let's see if she is as christian as she claims to be...

because i would rather be a good person than a bad christian.

emergency!

yesterday when i got home from running errands, there were 4 fire trucks in my driveway! and billows of smoke everywhere!

the pasture land behind our house did their annual burn-roff and it got a bit out of hand. the fire was huge and heading my way. the firemen were putting up a chemical baracade to make sure my house and the ones on either side of mine didn't go up in flames. we had the medium firetruck from our town, the smaller one from the next town over, and a big and little firetruck from the big town 15 miles away.

the smoke was so bad, i wanted to leave again. but i didn't want to come home to a pile of ash. i ended up making bologna sandwiches and bringing out diet pepsi cans for the firefighters. sorry guys, that's all we had on hand!

the next time our house needs to be protected from burning down, i hope to have better sandwich makings on hand, and maybe some cookies.

mini free vacation

i'm house-sitting for a friend this week-end from friday at noon until sunday at 5:00 p.m. i am leaving the car with bobo. it will be a week-end of solitude.I'm bringing books and magazines and my laptop. okay, and a few DVDs, in case the silence thunders in my ears. of course, she lives behind a carwash, so i can go outside and listen to the homies scrubbing and vacuuming. i've got a couple of things to print, so i will use her printer while i'm there.

she has an electric guitar and amp, so i might play around and re-discover why i'm not a rich rock star.

bobo and i have discussed using the gift certificate we have for a restaurant near her house. i guess that means shaving my legs and bring a nice blouse to wear out. we are still just kind of looking at each other and unsure what to do. he doesn't have a job yet but he had a good interview the other day. i have expensive car repairs. i still don't have health insurance and i still need surgery on my left knee. i may end up staying with him until the surgery thing is over.

who am i kidding? i will probably spend the rest of my life with him, not smiling and plotting my escape.

i might run away from home.

nothing much to say

nothing is happening.

my husband and i drew up a simple separation agreement that stated what day we began our separation and the reasons why. yes, he moved back in the house. but he's on one side and i am on the other side, so we don't have to see each other. we share the kitchen. i have been living in my bedroom. yeah, no kidding. kind of like i'm grounded or on restriction.

my car is really messed up. i need about $800 to fix it and it's not even paid for yet! i am going to talk to them and see if the garage will let me take a bit of time to pay it off.

i did get tags, insurance and inspection for the beater car, so i can drive it legally now.

i have severe problems with my daughter-in-law and she is withholding the grandchildren from me. i'm not going into that now. let's just leave it as she is crazy and i am staying away from her.

sad day

after 27 years of marriage, my husband and i separated today. we have agreed to file a frugal no-fault $399 divorce, as we no longer own any assets.

that is all.

rolling again

i have had some car problems lately. the good car-2001 model!- needed a power steering pump. we fixed that. then it began losing coolant and over heating. we had to fix that. i have spent $700 i didn't expect to spend.

our beater car-1993 vintage, which isn't properly tagged, inspected or insured and is highly illegal to drive- had been sitting since we moved. we had it parked at the far end of the driveway, so it wasn't like it was an eyesore up on blocks in the front yard. it was just a car with all the tires that never moved, but was neatly parked. we would push it back and forth once a week so the tires wouldn't dry rot.

while we were getting the good car fixed, i played around with the beater car. it wasn't starting due to a drain on the battery. i decided to get my cd out of the radio, so i took out the car radio and made sure all the wires were capped off. i destroyed a broken $600 radio to get out a $15 cd that is damaged.

bobo charged the battery because he has nothing better to do than wait.

the beater cranks every time now. it was the broken radio-which probably had shorted out- causing the problems. it just needs tags, insurance and inspection. i can do that when i get paid next week.

now we will both have cars. bobo can use one to find work with, and maybe i can rejoin the ymca and go to water aerobics and yoga again. at least i won't be stuck at home all day when he finds a job.

he still hasn't heard from the store with the bullseye logo. i found out from a friend of my sister's who works at another store in the same chain that the hr person at the store he applied at is losing her job. she just wasn't on the ball. in fact, her job has been posted internally at every store except her own. my sister's friend kind of offered bobo a job at her store, so he may go to work there. he has an appointment monday to speak with her.

his unemployment has almost run out. i don't know if it will be extended. i know they normally extend them one time at least but he has gotten no communication from the dept. of employment security. if it hasn't been extended, he should get a final baby amount check this week. it's enough to get us through until i get paid. as far as the extension congress voted in, no on knows anything.

the grandkids are back from their summer visit to their father's house and they started school yesterday. i haven't seen them yet. tomorrow the church near me is having a school supply giveaway, so i am taking them there hopefully. they already have their school supplies, but they will have fun with the bounce house and eating hot dogs and popcorn.

their mother has promised to bring them over several times but she always finds a very lame excuse to avoid me. i don't particularly care to see her either, but i NEED to see the babies. i have missed them and hopefully they have missed me. i'm tired of coloring by myself and playing "mother, may i?" alone.

i always win.

everybody hates raymond

so i haven't crapped out any babies in my dreams lately.

i haven't done much of anything lately, except lay on the sofa in my underwear watching reruns of bad sitcoms. needless to say, we haven't had any company over.

bobo had a fight with his friend with the drug problem over a months ago. bobo had noticed his friend seemed a bit depressed and asked him to come over, a couple of times actually. he kept saying he would come and then no call, no show. bobo left him a message asking what was the problem, did he hate us, why couldn't he even come by for a visit.

his friend called back and really bitched him out, calling him a whining titty-baby and saying it wsn't worth driving out to our house, then hung up on bobo.

no further communication

bobo thinks he is back on cocaine and tells me he doesn't care if he doesn't come around. but i know bobo and i know he is grieving for his friend. especially if he is back using drugs.

i decided to call bobo's friend today, on the work cellphone he uses as his own phone. i was hoping i could smooth things over, so at least the friendship would end on a more positive note. i got a stranger, who said our ex-buddy was supposed to be on leave-not he is on leave. this was a work phone, so if he is fired or on leave, it makes sense he would have no telephone.

but i got the implication that he is really fired or suspended or something.

i had made him a gmail account a month ago, so i checked it and it hasn't been used.

then it hit me.

before we started hanging out again about 4 years ago, i hadn't seen him for 10 years. i guess this is the beginning of the next 10 years without his friendship. by the time he shows back up, if it's 10 years, he will be almost 60. but with both parents having heart trouble, his continued cocaine use probably ensures he won't be around when he's 60.

wherever he is, whatever he is doing, i hope he is safe.

bobo needs to find new friends with better attitudes and less bad habits.

more babies....a chinese buffet....and i turn into kate gosselin

i hope this isn't a premonition of the future from the great beyond, but i had another baby dream.

this time it was abut 3 chinese newborn girls.

i was going to eat at a small chinese buffet and when i sat down, i realized that there were 3 newborn babies under the table. they were still covered in that waxy birth crap (too lazy to google it). i was debating about taking them home but i wanted to eat first. plus i was puzzled at how i could smuggle the out since there were 3 and they were covered in slippery goo.

i ended up putting them in my gigantic purse and carrying them up to the buffet to get some chinese food. i planned on eating first, then carrying all three out in my purse. no, i did not call my husband this time to go buy three carseats, even though i knew these were all girls. god knows, he would have bought me a big bag of huggies blue jean diapers and then we would let them pick out their own clothing.

but i decided while i was eating, that i had better all the police. and the news station. suddenly the tiny restaurant was swamped with people. the emt said the babies were fine but one had down's syndrome, the police congratulated me and gave me 3 UNISEX car seats, and the newscaster told me that they were giving me a reality show.

meanwhile i'm eating lo mein and some shrimp dish while all this is going on. i wouldn't make anybody realize i hadn't had the children. then i noticed a chinese teen-ager crying in the corner and bleeding on the floor. i figured out they were her babies.

one the hub-bub was over, i took my bag of babies and went over to her. she denied they were her babies and i gave her a wad of napkins to help with the bleeding. then she told me my buffet was free if i would take the babies and leave. she also gave me a styrofoam to-go dish of rice and pineapple to feed the babies.

my dream ended when i was strapping the naked chinese babies into their car seats in a car that wasn't mine. i called my husband to tell him and he said one word:

"AGAIN?"

then i woke up, hungry for chinese food.

thank god i made that list the other day, so i will know what to get in case any of this ever happens, or i'm out squatting in the garden and a river of babies flows out.

i am never watching "i didn't know i was knocked up" again!

screw you, tlc!

but then again, i was going to get a reality show in my dream. it could have been fairly lucrative and i might have ended up on "dancing with the stars...and one fat biddy full of chinese food."