Saturday, July 28, 2012

downsizing and the same time

i was supposed to close on the house monday, but the bank is behind in processing mortgages. so i won't close until next friday, or maybe even the monday after that. i am eager to move and have been packing.. i put some furniture on craigslist list, as well as bobo''s mower. we sold a few things. i'd rather sell it than move it! a friend has graciously offered to move us with her horse trailer, so i'm trying to get the amount left to move down to the smallest amount possible.

i was packing up the master bathroom thursday, putting everything in a box that i don't think i will need, but still having it accessible since i'm not sure when i'll be moving. i came across the contents of the middle drawer- my personal lady things- and it hit me:

i haven't had a moon cycle since february. i'm not sure of the exact date since i keep up with it in my check register which i changed a few months ago and it is packed up with the stuff from my desk somewhere. i had to go through my blog archives to find out when that was and i had posted about being sick with the intestinal obstruction in the middle of february. i got my lady time then and i haven't had one since then.

i bought a couple of pregnancy tests at the dollar store yesterday. i took the first one yesterday- positive. i decided maybe it was defective, so i decided to take one with the first morning's urine.

i took one this morning with the morning's first urine- positive.

i freaked out.

i just sat there, looking at the little stick with the big plus sign.

oh god.

if only i had taken my grandson's advice from abut 6 months ago.

there is a story at my church that the water makes you pregnant. they have a baby dedication day every six months, and last week we had one.

scratchy: i saw what you did!
me: what did i do?
scratchy: i saw you drink the water. it will make you have a baby!
me: who told you that?
scratchy (loudly): EVERYBODY KNOWS!
me: so what should i drink?
scratchy: coffee!

it was a funny story. but suddenly it's not funny. here i am, 47 years old, lots of health problems and a baby on the way.

my husband has a doctor's appointment monday. i guess i will tag along and get a blood test.

i can't help but think back on the YEARS i spent trying to conceive. i have spent a fortune on pregnancy tests that were negative. i would have given my right arm for a baby. THEN. 25 years ago.

my son turned 29 2 weeks ago. i don't need a baby. i will be 60 when it hits middle school. my arthritis is so bad i am using a walker half the time. how am i going to take care of a baby? i am diabetic, that will get really out of control.

i'm in the process of moving to a smaller house. suddenly the house that seemed perfect for me and my husband seems too small to hold another living being. our dog- who is our baby too- will have to go away. he is too aggressive to be around a baby.

of course, i am moving into an area with a better school district. the bus picks up at the end of the block.

i am praying that the shitty tests are defective. i hope the blood test is negative.

i told bobo. he seems happy. i don't think it's really hit him yet.

all the signs were there but i missed them. no moon cycle for months- i thought it was just menopause, which i have been looking forward to with all my heart. napping almost everyday- i chalked that up to aging, even though that was what happened when i was 18 and pregnant, i wanted to sleep all the time.waking up sick- i thought it was because i have cut down on the pain medication and i figured it was a sign of mild withdrawal. i have lost 15 pounds but my clothes aren't getting any looser.

i'm not gonna freak out. but i will be putting a special prayer request in the box at church tomorrow.

please pray i am not pregnant. that is the last thing i need now.

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