Monday, June 4, 2012

why does life keep sucking?

my son is still not talking to me. my husband went to church without me and sat with him and his wife. my son says he loves me, he is praying for me and he doesn't understand me. i don't think god wants him to hurt me to make his life happy-sappy. he is brainwashed and begging for more kool-aid. i hope his bitch wife gets what she wants- a broken man who has learned to cruel and emotionally detached. that is the puppet she is turning him into- i hope they are happy together.

it takes 21 to make or break a habit. it has been 22 days since he talked to me. i still tear up, but then i remember- HE IS STUPID! and i don't cry. i don't even want to be around him. i guess i can say i lost a child. inside me, i don't want to see him again. he's done what bothers me more than anything: being ignored and treated as if my feeling don't mean anything. i know this stems from never meeting my father and hearing all those lies from my mother for years. based on how she treated me, i learned compassion for him, a man i never met. i can only imagine how he felt, knowing i was out there and he couldn't find me. my mother always told me that my father claimed if he had to pay child support, he would take me off forever. i would be raped until he tired of me and then he would kill me and dump me in the desert, yes, my mother said this to a small child for years. if you ever wonder why it doesn't bother me that i don't see her that's why. i grew up fearful of him ever showing up.

i was a milk carton kid before such a thing existed.

by the time i found out about the truth, he had been dead 3 years. i never met him. it is my mother's fault. her response: "i didn't want to deal with him."

she would rather raise a child in poverty and a single home than deal with her ex once a year. i was never the favorite child once once my half-sister from her third marriage came along. i became a scapegoat for everything. i was punished brutally. she once threw an entire set of encyclopedias one by one. note- when cowering in a corner and counting off volumes as they fly at you, don't forget that the bibliography and index are each a separate volume. i raised up after she threw XYZ and got the bibliography on one side of the head and the index on the other side of my head. she beat with a belt until i had bruises so bad i was kept out of school. she pushed me onto a gas heater and burned the hell out of one of my legs. i can still seee the scars. so many "accidents".

i'm probably the only person in the entire world who watched Mommie Dearest and waited for it to get bad.

okay, enough about my rotten childhood. my son knows that i feel abandoned and what does he do? abandons me. the one thing that crushes my spirit, my soul, makes me want to blow my brains out. so he desserts me.

if he loves me, how can he do this to me? his wife says god is using this time to work on my son and make him a godly man. i don't think i like their god.

i'm glad my sister is stuck with my mother. she does it for the money. at least i don't have to put up with looking at her and knowing she took half of my life way. since she has alzheimer's, she can continue to think i had a  happy childhood.

maybe one day my son will come around. but i don't now if i can ever get back those old feelings i had for him. after all, 21 days makes or breaks a habit.

absence doesn't make the heart go stronger, it makes it turn to stone.

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