judge not, says the judge

seriously.

i went to the women's retreat. it was okay. the food was great. i plan to put up a link to the facility later because i am  not really conscious at this point. i came home about 5 o'clock, sat up for an hour with bobo. but then he started watching racing and i fell asleep- ouch!my neck is all crunchy and my lungs hurt a bit. but there is a bad air warning out for this area and i was outside more than i expected. i told bobo he needs to wake me and be sure i am awake. shake me, pull my hair, pinch my toe. get me up though! because i will lie to  sleep. i will say anything to get me some extra sleep.

so now i am up very late. but i am tired and i will be dragging my sorry butt to church tomorrow all tired. i think my most favoritist thing about week-end is that i met a woman who was rocking the total kate gosselin. the hair do, cut clothes, makeup, jeweled flip-flips and florescent pink toe nail polih. the pineapple reverse mullet hair-do, complete with highlights and the super spiked part at the crown. we ended up together in line for an activity and we talked a bit. she was really nice, but i could feel the side of my face grow a zit. she exuded this weird energy and i decided to pretend she really was kate gosselin.that made dealing with her perkiness. fun memories of watching jon & kate + 8 before they went all nuts.

now i am eating my facorite pic-nic dinner while i play on the puter- v-8 juice, cheese and pretzels. this is my go to comfort food. i used to use it as a work lunch but flesh it out with some sliced turkey or ham and some vegetables- cherry tomatoes, cucumber slices, carrot sticks, pepper strips and maybe a boiled egg. i love it, i would love to force rachael ray to improve on it.i dare her. because she can't. it came about because i was broke and hungry one time when i was a teen and it was all i had in the house, sitting at home in the huge apartment my mother rented in order to get her welfare and food stamps (because she lived with her boyfriend but took advantage of the free section 8 apartment in the swanky apartment complex. that apartment was huge because they gave me and my sister each got our own room ( even though my sister lived with my great-grandmother). my mom kept her stuff in the master suite and i think the utility bill got paid through some energy grant my mother got. those were the days after she had ovarian cancer treatment.i remember going into fred montesi's supermarket at poplar and mendenall and getting fussed at by a little jewish lady.

"you're too young to be on the government dole, girlie." she snipped at me.

i had one of those episodes of self-realization where you feel yourself lift up and look down on the situation and look down. "my mother has cancer and my father is gone. it is all i do to eat." i told, feeling a bit like the little poor match girl.

the woman got all teary and apologized. she ended up cramming a twenty in my hand. which was really great because i was out of tampons and you can't get those with food stamps.

the one where i whine about a house

i got my mortgage pre-approval. i went with the realtor to write a contract for a house i found on-line that fits my needs and my paltry amount for which i was approved. it has been on the market almost a year. my offer:

• make my offer almost full price
• stipulate i need the backyard fenced
• they pay closing costs and inspection

reasonable, right? THEY HAVE ANOTHER OFFER ON THE HOUSE!!!!! it was on the market for almost a year and suddenly it's a hot piece of property. the real estate agent asked if i wanted to change it. i decided to let it ride. the builder can get the fence done for next to nothing. if i don't get this house i will find another. i have a couple up my sleeve. an they all have fences!

i have been trying to start packing but i am at the point where i am making a bigger mess than i started with, but i'm doing it. i have stuff designated for a yard sale but if time starts crushing me, it will go to the goodwill. it would be a nice tax deduction. but it could possibly be a nice wad of cash. we'll see. 

i am going to a women's retreat friday and saturday with the church at a bed & breakfast a few towns over. i am riding with chicky. i am going on a scholarship, meaning i can't afford to go and the church will pay for me. just like when i went to camp as a child and teen. but i am looking forward to it. the food is supposed to be good. it is supposed to be 102 degrees while i am there.

my mother couldn't afford all day childcare and my great-grandmother couldn't deal with me and my sister. so we got sent to every vacation bible school that would pick us up, keep us away from the house for a few hours, give us a cup of kool-aid and some cookies and drop us back at home, all sugared up and ready to tangle with my ggma.

i was actually a good kid. i read or played with my dollhouse. i preferred to stay inside. sometimes i would get kicked out. i liked to sit in the shade on the side of the house, sitting on a red plastic milk crate. the only reason i got kicked out was because my stupid little half-sister, who was diagnosed as bi-polar later, was loosing her brain and just acting out. she danced on the kitchen table. she'd turn on the gas stove burners really high.once she pulled a knife on me and ggma. she was bad. but i always got lumped in with her. i got my ass beat a lot that year. because of her.

but back to vbs, i think we went to every religion. i got my windbreaker at the mormon church. my change pure was stolen at the methodist day camp. the song leader at the baptist church patted me on the ass in a way that made me want to puke.but by god, i went to vbs a lot. i won a boatload of little plaques with bible verses.

maybe i'll win a plaque this week-end. 

maybe they'll accept my offer.

30 things

i stole this from this goddess. When you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you. As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back. Here are some ideas to get you started:

•  * Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends. 
•  * Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become. 
•  * Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled. 
•  * Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now. 
•  * Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you. 
•  * Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one. 
•  * Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did. 
•  * Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come. 
•  * Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions. 
•  * Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness. 
•  * Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first. 
•  * Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first. 
•  * Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely. 
•  * Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you. 
•  * Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others are doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only. 
•  * Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?” 
•  * Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be. 
•  * Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time. 
•  * Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs. 
•  * Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right. 
•  * Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly. 
•  * Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you. 
•  * Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done. 
•  * Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary. 
•  * Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again. 
•  *Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life. 
•  * Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus. 
•  * Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about. 
•  * Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right. 
•  * Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

why does life keep sucking?

my son is still not talking to me. my husband went to church without me and sat with him and his wife. my son says he loves me, he is praying for me and he doesn't understand me. i don't think god wants him to hurt me to make his life happy-sappy. he is brainwashed and begging for more kool-aid. i hope his bitch wife gets what she wants- a broken man who has learned to cruel and emotionally detached. that is the puppet she is turning him into- i hope they are happy together.

it takes 21 to make or break a habit. it has been 22 days since he talked to me. i still tear up, but then i remember- HE IS STUPID! and i don't cry. i don't even want to be around him. i guess i can say i lost a child. inside me, i don't want to see him again. he's done what bothers me more than anything: being ignored and treated as if my feeling don't mean anything. i know this stems from never meeting my father and hearing all those lies from my mother for years. based on how she treated me, i learned compassion for him, a man i never met. i can only imagine how he felt, knowing i was out there and he couldn't find me. my mother always told me that my father claimed if he had to pay child support, he would take me off forever. i would be raped until he tired of me and then he would kill me and dump me in the desert, yes, my mother said this to a small child for years. if you ever wonder why it doesn't bother me that i don't see her that's why. i grew up fearful of him ever showing up.

i was a milk carton kid before such a thing existed.

by the time i found out about the truth, he had been dead 3 years. i never met him. it is my mother's fault. her response: "i didn't want to deal with him."

she would rather raise a child in poverty and a single home than deal with her ex once a year. i was never the favorite child once once my half-sister from her third marriage came along. i became a scapegoat for everything. i was punished brutally. she once threw an entire set of encyclopedias one by one. note- when cowering in a corner and counting off volumes as they fly at you, don't forget that the bibliography and index are each a separate volume. i raised up after she threw XYZ and got the bibliography on one side of the head and the index on the other side of my head. she beat with a belt until i had bruises so bad i was kept out of school. she pushed me onto a gas heater and burned the hell out of one of my legs. i can still seee the scars. so many "accidents".

i'm probably the only person in the entire world who watched Mommie Dearest and waited for it to get bad.

okay, enough about my rotten childhood. my son knows that i feel abandoned and what does he do? abandons me. the one thing that crushes my spirit, my soul, makes me want to blow my brains out. so he desserts me.

if he loves me, how can he do this to me? his wife says god is using this time to work on my son and make him a godly man. i don't think i like their god.

i'm glad my sister is stuck with my mother. she does it for the money. at least i don't have to put up with looking at her and knowing she took half of my life way. since she has alzheimer's, she can continue to think i had a  happy childhood.

maybe one day my son will come around. but i don't now if i can ever get back those old feelings i had for him. after all, 21 days makes or breaks a habit.

absence doesn't make the heart go stronger, it makes it turn to stone.

wasted days and wasted nights...

ok, i know loretta lynn didn't sing that song, i don't know. but i liked this picture of sissy spacek who wanted to use it. this is totally off the subject, but did i ever mention i had a relative who was actually named loretta lynn? yep! anyway, the funky house is under contract. i talked to the listing agent. she said it doesn't pass fha inspection, so i know i can't get it anyway.i found a larger home that would meet my needs. it has a tiny sunroom on the back, but how big of a sunroom do i need? i need to be doing the taxes right now, but i do hereby commit to doing the taxes for at least hours a day. i want you to call me on it. i am going to have to cut out some of the internet fun and grab my pencil and calculator. have you ever tried to remember every item in home? try it. i am constantly going back and adding things i happen to remember. at least now they don't make you remember where you bought it. so- at least 4 hours a day until they are done. keep me motivated.