my son promised to come by today after church. however, in a pattern that is rapidly repeating itself, he was left with 2 vehicles with no gas and no money to buy gas. i offered to give him money to come over her, but he declined. turns out his wife is asking her mother for money. i thought she didn't believe family exchanged money, so i can only assume the money is a gift and not a loan. otherwise, to return the money would constitute an exchange. i thinks it's the paying back part she dislikes.
i hate this. it makes me want to cry because she is treating my son like a battered spouse and even sadder, he's taking it from her.
i can't change her, only court-ordered psych evaluation might be able to do that.
i didn't cry this time. does it mean i am starting not to care?
i hope not.
...love, life and buttercream...
Sunday, September 26, 2010
life lessons
i have a younger sister. actually, she weighs more than me, so right now, i am "the skinny one" although i still have to shop the plus sizes.
when my car messed up, she offered me $300. i told her to keep it and we would see if i needed it. i didn't want to take it from her if i really ended up not needing it. then she called 2 weeks later and told me, never mind, she doesn't have it. that's okay. i ended up ebaying a few possessions, having a garage sale, buying my groceries at the salvage store (train wrecks, etc. you have to inspect it really closely and make sure you can run the cans through a can opener) and gave up going out to eat. i also didn't buy a single thing i didn't need desperately.
today she tells me that she ordered $200 bucks worth of lancome make-up. then she told me about eating brunch at this expensive place downtown. she also had her nails done and a facial at some spa on thursday- a treat from her husband.
i feel really poor, and really jealous.
i just have to keep going 19 more days until my next check. i have gas, i have medicine, i have groceries, i have laundry detergent, shampoo, toilet paper and soap. i don't smoke, so that's not an issue.
i do have a funeral to go to this week, my husband's elderly aunt. she was 82 years old and while she was more of a broad than a lady, i had great respect for here. if you didn't know she was married with 2 sons, you would have thought she was a big butch lesbian. she work men's work shoes or boots, over-alls and flannel shirts all the time. she had a short and snappy haircut that required noting but a swipe from a comb whipped from your back pocket. she smoked unfiltered camels and drank those little cokes in glass bottles you had to buy special from the bottler (she eventually caved and bought cans). she wore a baseball cap and drove a pick-up, always white.
she died of lung cancer. she would only quit when they threatened her with going back to the nursing home.
luckily there is enough gas in either of the cars to get there. my vote: drive the cheapo car and splurge on dinner at the cheap chinese place on the way home- it's 100 miles each way!
at one point, my husband and i and my son were in the will of the deceased relative. i know it has been changed several times since then. if we get some cash, good deal. maybe it will be enough money to pay off my car. or maybe enough to fill the propane tank.
if my son gets some money, his wife will have it spent before he gets home.
i don't care if we get a penny, i learned a lot from her:
1. make your own mistakes. it's easier to live with that way.
2. get your education one truth at a time. use your life experiences and learn from them.
3. if you want to learn something, write it repeatedly until you can write it by heart.
4. if you want something to be a secret, never put it in print or say it out loud.
5. when life is difficult and it would be easier to bury your head under the covers, don't! it's better to spend the time doing a simple task with mindless repetition while you think the whole thing over. at least you will have your chore done, your thinking cleared out and you will have more energy. you will probably be able to sleep better if you are exhausted and the majority of your worrying will be done.
6. don't make hasty decisions- good or bad. consider all things.
7. it's okay to cry- just do it in private and make sure it's important.
8. whether you believe it or not, you are known by the company you keep. and your company is known by you, so keep your nose clean.
9. there's a nice, polite way to say anything. the best insult is one that takes the recipient a few days to figure out it was an insult.
10. always smile. that way people will take you serious when you stop smiling.
i will miss aunt do-do, like the bird.
when my car messed up, she offered me $300. i told her to keep it and we would see if i needed it. i didn't want to take it from her if i really ended up not needing it. then she called 2 weeks later and told me, never mind, she doesn't have it. that's okay. i ended up ebaying a few possessions, having a garage sale, buying my groceries at the salvage store (train wrecks, etc. you have to inspect it really closely and make sure you can run the cans through a can opener) and gave up going out to eat. i also didn't buy a single thing i didn't need desperately.
today she tells me that she ordered $200 bucks worth of lancome make-up. then she told me about eating brunch at this expensive place downtown. she also had her nails done and a facial at some spa on thursday- a treat from her husband.
i feel really poor, and really jealous.
i just have to keep going 19 more days until my next check. i have gas, i have medicine, i have groceries, i have laundry detergent, shampoo, toilet paper and soap. i don't smoke, so that's not an issue.
i do have a funeral to go to this week, my husband's elderly aunt. she was 82 years old and while she was more of a broad than a lady, i had great respect for here. if you didn't know she was married with 2 sons, you would have thought she was a big butch lesbian. she work men's work shoes or boots, over-alls and flannel shirts all the time. she had a short and snappy haircut that required noting but a swipe from a comb whipped from your back pocket. she smoked unfiltered camels and drank those little cokes in glass bottles you had to buy special from the bottler (she eventually caved and bought cans). she wore a baseball cap and drove a pick-up, always white.
she died of lung cancer. she would only quit when they threatened her with going back to the nursing home.
luckily there is enough gas in either of the cars to get there. my vote: drive the cheapo car and splurge on dinner at the cheap chinese place on the way home- it's 100 miles each way!
at one point, my husband and i and my son were in the will of the deceased relative. i know it has been changed several times since then. if we get some cash, good deal. maybe it will be enough money to pay off my car. or maybe enough to fill the propane tank.
if my son gets some money, his wife will have it spent before he gets home.
i don't care if we get a penny, i learned a lot from her:
1. make your own mistakes. it's easier to live with that way.
2. get your education one truth at a time. use your life experiences and learn from them.
3. if you want to learn something, write it repeatedly until you can write it by heart.
4. if you want something to be a secret, never put it in print or say it out loud.
5. when life is difficult and it would be easier to bury your head under the covers, don't! it's better to spend the time doing a simple task with mindless repetition while you think the whole thing over. at least you will have your chore done, your thinking cleared out and you will have more energy. you will probably be able to sleep better if you are exhausted and the majority of your worrying will be done.
6. don't make hasty decisions- good or bad. consider all things.
7. it's okay to cry- just do it in private and make sure it's important.
8. whether you believe it or not, you are known by the company you keep. and your company is known by you, so keep your nose clean.
9. there's a nice, polite way to say anything. the best insult is one that takes the recipient a few days to figure out it was an insult.
10. always smile. that way people will take you serious when you stop smiling.
i will miss aunt do-do, like the bird.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
wallowing in pity
ok, enough of this crap of tiny posts. i forget this isn't twitter!
but i can't think i much to say. i am stuck here in this house until SOMEONE finds a job. i don't think he is looking very hardm especially if he feels as depressed as i feel. i feel dead inside.
but i can't think i much to say. i am stuck here in this house until SOMEONE finds a job. i don't think he is looking very hardm especially if he feels as depressed as i feel. i feel dead inside.
dying embers
i can only hope that i see no more firefighters. the town has an official burn ban right now. i can't wait to get the list of crap people aren't allowed to burn.
i wonder if phonographic records will be on there. the hoa where i used to live had a ban on burning phonographic records (KISS, rolling stones, etc) and large volumes of printed materials (like peyton place and are you there god? it's me, margaret?.
yes, they gave those examples. i should have moved away from that place years before i finally left.
life sucks
i lack the energy to get up, to get out, to do anything.
i need a vacation.
i don't care where i go.
i don't care what i do.
i don't care when i come back.
i don't care if i come back.
i just want to not
be. here. now.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
did they add more month when i wasn't looking?
i just took the target gift cards i was saving for christmas and bought groceries.
the target i went to isn't yet a grocery store (coming september 9th!) so i had to buy a lot of processed foods- canned and frozen crap i wouldn't make my first food choices if i had cash.
but i won't go hungry!
ode to the damage the succubus caused
but the ones who always love you aren't people you chose.
they gave you life, they gave you comfort, they gave you morals,
they always love you in spite of the quarrels.
one day you'll realize they won't be here forever,
so make the most of your time with your parents, it's now or never.
always love them and never forget,
love them now and you'll have no regret.
once they are gone, you'll fear the future and grieve the past,
so take the present they give, it will not last.
time is short and comes at great cost.
turn your back on them now and all is lost.
one day you will have grown children of your own,
they may reject you and leave you all alone.
it with hit you like a boulder with the weight of its truth:
you bought that loneliness from your parents with the ignorance of your youth.
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