no always forever friends...

one of my husband's friends came by tonight. he is very depressed and I am worried about him. but I am ready for him to go home. how do I go about that nicely?

twice...

I am in the mood to write tonight, so I will go into more detail on some of the things I have mentioned here.

I completed my project which resulted in a check with the statue of liberty on it. yeah!

did I ever tell you about my car? it's a black sedan, wide with plushy black velour seats. it has windows tinted so dark, I had to get a special sticker that attests to the fact I can see through it. I had an acquaintance who is a police officer who says it looks like a crack dealer's grandma's car that he borrowed and tricked out. he said If he saw me in the ghetto, I would get pulled over for sure. the grandkids call it "the limo."

I have been watching id channel too much. I trust n o   o n e. no one. ever. people just be killing each other all the time. it's sad. I need to turn it off. I might go with the food network as my default channel.

does anyone follow a certain former mommy blogger? with 5 kids? and $750,000 in debt she tried to have discharged in bankruptcy court, only to have it denied because one of her biggest blog fans sent a fucking huge ransom-note-looking series of examples of how the mean girls were trying to cut off her income? me neither.

did anyone else watch "19 kids and counting: duggars do asia"? was that not a pitiful excuse for a return on about $250K. what a waste. I would have been in sushi heaven. seriously.

I have a box of pink "manila-like" envelopes. I plan on getting black hanging files and a clear box to put them in. i'm getting organized.

kate gosselin on "wife swap" with Kendra Wilson tripped me out. was that not one weird show? when she picked up a raisin in Kendra's closet, it didn't show her throwing it away. I bet she ate it. can you imagine eating trail mix from the floor of a former playboy bunny? but I think she ate it.

blogger is pissing me off. they keep adding uppercase letters to my entries. once again the man is trying to force me to conform. it's making me look like I didn't pay attention in English. now if it were accounting, that's another story.

my accounting teacher went into the hospital to dry out from drinking. back then, there was no rehab. you checked in the hospital and they gave you many meds to keep you detached from the shakes and the body aches. so she was gone. we got a sub who really taught Spanish but would check our practice sets. by the way, someone stole a set of the practice sets during the time we lost our teacher and got a sub. so everybody copied. everybody passed with an a.

which is why I don't know crap about accounting.

when I was a teen-ager, we hung out at a park with a road that went around a pond. you had two choices: get there early and park along the side, or just cruise the road and stop to talk with whoever you saw. people would walk along your car as you slowly drove through the car. they closed the road off after a stoned girl hit a bus.

my birthday

yesterday was my birthday. I turned 48. I went to the county seat to file the homestead exemption- saved $1000 a year on property taxes! then I went to lunch with bobo at red lobster. I know, how cliché. but it was tasty and I had a $50 card leftover from Christmas. I originally bought it for a friend but then I ended up in the hospital and lalalala, I decided to use it on myself.

root and chickie were supposed to come over to eat cupcakes and ice cream last night, but I got stood up. she bought the kids over today and we ate the goodies then, but it wasn't the same. I am sick of having every holiday ruined by her. but she will be gone soon enough. i'm tired of getting screwed over by her.

speaking of screwing people over, my sister called. she wants to sue the doctor my mother was seeing, claiming criminal negligence homicide. I told her to go ahead and  do whatever she wanted to do. she wants me to go in on it with her. I told her okay, as long as it costs me nothing. she falls ass-backwards into money, I might as well join her.

do it amish style!

i am going to the amish settlement this week, maybe friday! i can get my amish on!

i'll have to seek out sugar-free goodies, but i know some of the houses carry them. It's so neat to go up on their porch and they have a push down window they do business though. it folds down and make a little counter and rests on the window sill. it's pretty neat.

to sleep: perchance, to dream...

i can't sleep. when i do sleep, i dream about my mother. nothing special, just slices of normal life the way they should have played out in real life. she never hits me like she did when i was a child. i guess it's better that we interact this way instead of in real life. but i seriously think i am being haunted.

my mother died under a full moon. i wonder if i should look up some pagan rituals and find some ceremony to perform. i wonder if our neighbors at the old house called down the corners like they did on each full moon.


my church prayed for us. i'm sure that helped.

but i need to take the haunt out of her.

my mother died. it sounds horrible, it feels horrible.

my mother died.

a big whole

i couldn't write about this before, so i am doing it now. please forgive me, i just couldn't write about this until now.

my mother died monday february 25. she had fallen outside on saturday, i was called by my niece on sunday that she wasn't doing too well. i went to the hospital with root and chickie and saw her. i brought her a teddy bear. she told me she loved me and i told her i loved her. then monday i got the call from my niece that she was dead.

i missed the funeral because my sister is the biggest fuck up on the planet. she posted that the visitation would be tuesday night and graveside services would be wednesday morning. instead the funeral services were tuesday night and only internment was wednesday. she is such an idiot. i didn't go to visitation bcause i was watching the kids, but i could have made the services at 7:00 if i had been given the correct information. she cheated me again. somehow the teddy bear i took her was left out of the casket. they had all manner of crap in there, so i put the acrylic diamond i was given by a speaker at the women's retreat. they actually put a full house of playing cards. fucking white trash!

i miss my mom, but my sister kept her from me.she blocked my phone number. i couldn't call. mail was returned. how can you forgive someone for keeping you from your own mother? now she's dead and suzy can apologize all she wants, it doesn't make anything any better.

this entire thing bugs me. it brings back the car issues. i think they should give it back because it was bought under false pretenses, i found out they have been charging my niece to drive it. i'm going to ask for it back. of course, i will pay for it, but since they bought it under false pretenses, they need return it. once i can trust them again, maybe i can sell it back to them if they treat me like family.i might not, it makes me sound like a loon. but i get so angry about being lied to and then they rub my nose in it.

i know i can't trust her, but then chickie gives me the "jesus forgave you, so you should forgive her."

tough. i need my car.

but i really need my mother.

out and about

i got out of the hospital friday, feb. 22. i have been just lying around the house. i can't seem to gather the energy to do much. i need to get my sleep pattern back to normal hours. in the hospital, you don't get more than 2 hours of sleep at a time. someone wants to take your temperaure or blood pressure, or take actual blood samples, something to disrupt your sleep to the point you can't get back to sleep. so my first day out of the hospital, i slept too long because no one woke me up. i have continued this shameful pattern ever since then. i got up at 3:00 p.m. yesterday!

the house was not totally trashed, but it wasn't cleaned to my standards. it was cleaned to the standards i had when my son was a toddler and housework was at the bottom of my list of important things to do. i am a much better housekeeper now, but i guess bobo didn't notice that for the last 5 years i have been a clean freak. i have managed to get the public spaces- living room, kitchen, dining room- to the point i am not worried about unexpected company, but my personal bedroom looks like a hoarder's room. i am ashamed of it. i just don't have the energy to pick it up. i am trying to avoid making any new messes, as well as pick up even just a tiny bit of the clutter. one day, it will be clean again. hopefully.

the odd thing is that bobo does an incredible job on the bathroom. the fixtures shine, the porcelain is nice and bright white. he just tends to pile crap on top of crap. i tend to put things where they belong. there is a long bar counter in the kitchen and it was covered from one end to the other with mail and magazines. i put all that crap in a big basket. what is so hard about that?

my phone has had a mental breakdown and i need to buy a replacement. i am going to break down and buy an iphone. i already have the otterbox for it. i just need to go get it.

well, i just wanted to let you know i got out of the hospital and i am still alive.