hb2me

today is my birthday. i am 45.

now i have to use the check box labeled 45-49.

45 is old, when you say it out loud.

but it doesn't feel old.

when i think back on my past birthdays, and i remember the drunken loud shots of tequila at a bar in overton square (can't remember the name- must have had a really wonderful time!) and the quiet family dinners at home.

but the one i remember the most was my 6th bithday. the year i got the cinderella cake whose topper i miss dearly. i got a pendant watch that said cinderella on it and came packaged in a white plastic pumpkin. looking back, i think it may have been an illegal bootleg counterfeit.

my mother made me sit outside while she set things up. my little sister was in the house too, she kept making faces through the window at me. i couldn't have seen in anyway, the kitchen window was about 6 feet off the ground and a bit tall for a newly six year-old girl.

when i walked in, my mother gave me a crown to wear. it a crown from burger king she had decorated with all kinds of junk- feathers and beads and sequins. very fancy! my grandmother had taken the crown the king's place gave me and she sewed on all the embellishments. we had ice cream and cake. we drank sprite out of REAL GLASS champagne saucers. i also got a partridge family coloring book and crayons. my aunt sent me a purple suede donny osmond belt.

i was hot stuff.

we had pizza and corn- my favorite!- before we had the cake and ice cream. then it was gifts! my little sister gave me a wizard of oz cosmetic set. it had REAL LIPSTICK!

and a compact with a mirror, REAL POWDER and a REAL PUFF!

and that night i felt special.

i feel special today. because turning 45 means that while life got me down, it didn't get me out. i'm still here. i may be missing a few parts and i'm still carrying around too many pounds, but i am proud of who i am. not my physial shell, but my soul and my heart. i have few friends, but the ones i have are true friends. i get in fights with my daughter-in-law but i protect myself and sometimes i let her win when it's something that doesn't matter in the long run. i'm being tolerant and patient, but no one is running over me. i am not a door mat. i am not a punching bag. i am no one's joke.

and if they DO think i am a joke, then they are the punchline.

i am taking no hostages but i am not going down without a fight.

i wonder how i will feel when i get to the next check box, 50-54.