old lady food and a funeral

i went to the funeral. i met my husband's lesbian cousin with the shaved head who kept playing with her crotch as if she was packing heat. i had to go to the bathroom and laugh silently into a wadded up bath towel.

when someone dies, people bring food. since i knew this was going to be an old lady funeral, i decided to eat there, where it would be delicious and free, versus the chinese place. so we saved $20! i ate:

1. 2 thin slices brown sugar ham
2. 1 T. coleslaw
3. 1 T. potato salad
4. 1 T. bbq beans
5. 1 t. bbq meat drizzled with a bit of sauce- i just wanted a bite!
6. 1 pig-in-a-blanket, full size roll with whole hotdog inside
7. 2 weird weird sushi-ish looking things that turned out to be green olives with pimentos on a piece of ham, with cream cheese smeared all over the ham, then rolled out and cut into individual olives. it looked like eyeballs. i think it may have a been a halloween recipe someone saw somewhere and thought it might be cute. it looked like an eyeball with puss around it with the pink open tissue tipped from inside an eye socket. i ate two, because i think they should be eaten in pairs. i think it was probably a recipe from the early '60s. cuz eating eyeballs? no thank you! 2 were enough! eyeball sushi is not something i anticipate craving.

there was also a ding-dong cake, which i refused. i don't eat desserts with naughty names made by uber christian ladies so they can say "ding-dong" over and over. i refuse to eat "better than sex chocolate cake" and i don't want to "drink a sex on the beach" or have a "screaming orgasm" either. i'd rather do those without liquor. the original is always better than a co[y. i don't eat things that sound like you should get carnal with it. just a rule.

i also had 2 crackers wrapped in bacon and baked. they were to die for, but the recipe sounds like something you might make if you were really stoned and got bad muchines and there was no other food in the house. those old ladies might be chiefing. maybe it's good for their bursitis.

i also met the floozy sister who is an rn and goes to vegas twice a year, but dresses like she's in vegas all year long. she had on some orange knit pants with the seam up the front and a wild polyester blouse with orange around the neckline. then she had on at least a medium-sized box of jewelry, with at least a ring or two on every finger. just dripping with the bling. sister had her hair dyed deep red and wearing it in cascading waves down her back. she was 63. her skin was the color of old wax candles and she had on a ton of make-up, but underneath all the make-up, she was spotted! so many liver spots it looked like an animal print! time for the porciellana fade cream. she talked about vegas constantly. she also said "ding dong cake" quite a number of times.

his aunt was cremated and her urn was buried under the headstone. she had planned her own service down on paper before she passed. people got up and told stories about her. i didn't.

we took the correct route home this time and shaved 20 minutes and 32 miles short off the best time.

there was no reading of the will, but i overheard the attorney tell the executor of the estate that everything would go out in the mail in the morning. hummm, i wonder...

we haven't heard from joe's friend in almost 2 months. he must be having a hell of a relapse. take it from elmo, drugs are bad. is that message not everywhere? where's the nose sniffing up the color tv when you need it?

Why won't she leave me alone?

I started getting weird phone calls again, with the phone numbers blocked. They leave messages where you hear nothing except a blaring TV, usually a certain court show, whose timing tells me they are calling from the immediate area.

Except the last two calls. Where I have heard my sister's husband in the background calling her by name. You can hear the phone speaker being covered up and a loud SHUSH. Then a hang-up. Wonder who it might be???

She needs to leave me alone. I'm changing my number very soon.

A friend told me that they bought a house. A cheap house and that she wrote a poignant note to our mother about it being her dream house. GAG ME! Yes, the mother she watched get sicker and sicker until my mother passed out and my sister had to get the ambulance to take her to the hospital, where my mother died 3 days later. The same mother whose funeral she lied about and kept me from attending. Yes, the mother she loved to death.

I hope no one ever loves me THAT MUCH!

I would live the rest of my life happy if I never heard from her again.