Useful Information

I don't know where this originally came from but it helped me and might help someone else. I did not write this!

Key facts and signs of a manipulative wife…

Control – She controls the relationship, dictates where you go, who you see or what you can say. You will always do what she says you should do. No questions asked. She runs your life.

Guilt – She will constantly try to make you feel guilty about the trivial things you do. She tries to control you through guilt.

Blame – She will never accept the blame for anything. She will refuse to acknowledge that she was the cause of fights or misunderstandings.

Insecurities – She will prey on your insecurities. She will take advantage of your low self-esteem and make it worse by heaping insults and criticisms on you, making you doubt your own ability. She wants you to feel worthless.

Undermine – She will constantly undermine you. She will scoff at your job, your abilities and shoot down every idea you have. She will try to stifle your ambition and make you feel like nothing you do is good enough. She will try to convince you that you should be grateful for putting up with her. Nothing you ever do will be good enough.

Confrontation – She will avoid confrontation at all costs. She will refuse to discuss significant issues and problems that arise in your relationship. Arguments and fights are not the same as confronting the core issue and having rational discussions.

How about these 13 signs of a wife that has borderline personality disorder or narcissistic tendencies…

Did you know: 
:: Society and psychology hold a reverse sexist attitude regarding the perpetrators and recipients of emotional abuse.

:: Men have been brainwashed into believing that “she’s just expressing her feelings” when she’s being abusive and that “he’s insensitive and doesn’t understand.”  Should these men enter into couples treatment, they often get tag teamed by their girlfriend/wife and the therapist into believing that they’re the problem. Should this couple actually find a shrink worth his/her salt that tries to hold the girlfriend/wife accountable, the shrink is usually fired and vilified by the girlfriend/wife.

:: Men are too embarrassed to talk about the hurt, pain and confusion they experience as a result of the way these women mistreat them.

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1. Censoring your thoughts and feelings. You edit yourself because you’re afraid of her reactions. Swallowing the lump in your throat and your hurt and anger is easier than dealing with another fight or hurt feelings. In fact, you may have stuffed your own emotions for so long that you no longer know what you think or feel.

2. Everything is your fault. You’re blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship and in general, even if it has no basis in reality.

3. Constant criticism. She criticizes nearly everything you do and nothing is ever good enough. No matter how hard you try, there is  no pleasing her or, if you do, it’s few and far between.

4. Control freak. She engages in manipulative behaviors, even lying, in an effort to control you.

5. Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde. One moment she’s kind and loving; the next she’s flipping out on you. She becomes so vicious, you wonder if she’s the same person.

6. Your feelings don’t count. Your needs and feelings, if you’re brave enough to express them, are ignored, ridiculed, minimized and/or dismissed. You’re told that you are too demanding, that there is something wrong with you and that you need to be in therapy. You’re denied the right to your feelings.

7. Questioning your own sanity. You’ve begun to wonder if you’re crazy because she puts down your point of view and/or denies things she says or does. If you actually confide these things to a friend or family member, they don’t believe you because she usually behaves herself around other people.

8. Say what? “But I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that.” Sure you did. Well, you did in her highly distorted version of reality. Her accusations run the gamut from infidelity to cruelty to being un-supportive (even when you’re the one paying all the bills) to repressing her and holding her back. It’s usually baseless, which leaves you feeling defensive and misunderstood.

9. Isolating yourself from friends and family. You distance yourself from your loved ones and colleagues because of her erratic behavior, moodiness and instability. You make excuses for her inexcusable behaviors to others in an effort to convince yourself that it’s normal.

10. Walking on landmines. One misstep and you could set her off. Some people refer to this as “walking on eggshells,” but eggs emit only a dull crunch when you step on them. Setting off a landmine is a far more descriptive simile.

11. What goes up, must come down. She places you on a pedestal only to knock it out from under your feet. You’re the greatest thing since sliced bread one minute and the next minute, you’re the devil incarnate.

12. Un-level playing field. Borderlines and Narcissists make the rules; they break the rules and they change the rules at will. Just when you think you’ve figured out how to give her what she wants, she changes her expectations and demands without warning. This sets you up for failure in no-win situations, leaving you feeling helpless and trapped.

13. You’re a loser, but don’t leave me. “You’re a jerk. You’re a creep. You’re a bastard. I love you. Don’t leave me.” When you finally reach the point where you just can’t take it anymore, the tears, bargaining and threats begin. She insists she really does love you. She can’t live without you. She promises to change. She promises it will get better, but things never change and they never get better.

When that doesn’t work, she blames you and anything and anyone else she can think of, never once taking responsibility for her own behaviors. She may even resort to threats. She threatens you that you will never see the kids again. Or she threatens to bad mouth you to your friends and family.

Is your girlfriend or wife a professional victim?

Women who play the victim are often the aggressor in the relationships. They play the “victim” to manipulate and controls others by holding you emotionally hostage. Professional victims are stealth bullies. Being caught in a never ending blame game with one of these women is a form of emotional abuse for the man at whom she points her finger in accusation.

1. She never acknowledges when she hurts other. She has exclusive rights to the role of “injured party.” When you call her on her behavior, she provides ample excuses for why she’s not accountable. The excuses she provides assign blame for her actions to someone else, usually the person she’s wronged. It’s always your fault or someone else’s fault, but never, ever is it her fault.

2. The victim must be victimized. If you’re not an abusive person, she’ll pull it out of you in order to play the victim script she has in her head. For example, she needles and needles and needles one of your sore spots, until you can’t take it any more and snap at her in defense.

Presto! She just got you to “victimize” her-never minding the previous 2 hours in which she psychologically tormented and bullied you into it. She needs to play innocent victim to someone’s bad guy. It’s the foundation of her identity.

This is a very primitive defense mechanism called projective identification, which, if you’re on the receiving end, is truly awful in that it makes you feel like the crazy person. It’s a self-fulfilling prophesy whereby she believes you’re a “bad guy” and she’s a “victim.” She then behaves or interacts with you in such a way that you change your behavior in response to her actions and become the “bad guy.” A telltale sign is that you feel like you’re being coerced into being someone that you’re not. It’s highly, highly emotionally abusive.

3. She blames others and circumstances for her own shortcomings or failures. The professional victim lives in “Never-Never Take Personal Responsibility Land,” which is bordered to the North by “The Land of If Only.” This allows her to blame her parents, siblings, co-workers, bosses, professors and you for her life, career and relationships not being as she thinks they should be.

She’d be running the business if only her boss recognized her talents. She’d have graduated from culinary school and been wildly successful if her prof hadn’t looked at her cross-eyed. She’d have sex with you more often if you did more of x, y, and z. Don’t fall for this malarkey, men. She’s right in that there’s someone to blame for her sad life. She need only look in the mirror to direct her blame accurately.

4. She admires and respects people who actually treat her badly. This is a fascinating aspect of the professional victim: They defend those who harm, exploit and bully them and vilify and lash out at those who want to help and care for them. She may fondly describe a relative or ex-boyfriend who sounds like a real S.O.B. and follow it up with, “but he’s such a good person.” Meanwhile, you bend over backward to tiptoe around her extreme sensitivities and she accuses you of “beating her down” and “not being supportive.” Huh?

The fact that she admires and respects bullies and people who abuse their power is a huge red flag because we emulate those we admire. Let me make this point crystal clear, SHE ADMIRES BULLIES AND ABUSERS BECAUSE SHE IS REALLY AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE BULLY IN VICTIM’S CLOTHING.

It’s impossible to have a loving relationship of equals with a professional victim. She goes through life feeling slighted and angry, never taking responsibility for her actions or life. Good luck trying to talk to her about this. You’ll meet with extreme defensiveness and more blaming behaviors. Her only identity is that of victim: If she doesn’t believe she’s being victimized, then who is she? Someone who treats other people like crap and who is pissing her life away. It’s a matter of psychological self-preservation versus ego annihilation.

You can’t have a healthy and happy relationship with someone who holds you hostage and controls you through guilt, emotional blackmail, and blame.