a big whole

i couldn't write about this before, so i am doing it now. please forgive me, i just couldn't write about this until now.

my mother died monday february 25. she had fallen outside on saturday, i was called by my niece on sunday that she wasn't doing too well. i went to the hospital with root and chickie and saw her. i brought her a teddy bear. she told me she loved me and i told her i loved her. then monday i got the call from my niece that she was dead.

i missed the funeral because my sister is the biggest fuck up on the planet. she posted that the visitation would be tuesday night and graveside services would be wednesday morning. instead the funeral services were tuesday night and only internment was wednesday. she is such an idiot. i didn't go to visitation bcause i was watching the kids, but i could have made the services at 7:00 if i had been given the correct information. she cheated me again. somehow the teddy bear i took her was left out of the casket. they had all manner of crap in there, so i put the acrylic diamond i was given by a speaker at the women's retreat. they actually put a full house of playing cards. fucking white trash!

i miss my mom, but my sister kept her from me.she blocked my phone number. i couldn't call. mail was returned. how can you forgive someone for keeping you from your own mother? now she's dead and suzy can apologize all she wants, it doesn't make anything any better.

this entire thing bugs me. it brings back the car issues. i think they should give it back because it was bought under false pretenses, i found out they have been charging my niece to drive it. i'm going to ask for it back. of course, i will pay for it, but since they bought it under false pretenses, they need return it. once i can trust them again, maybe i can sell it back to them if they treat me like family.i might not, it makes me sound like a loon. but i get so angry about being lied to and then they rub my nose in it.

i know i can't trust her, but then chickie gives me the "jesus forgave you, so you should forgive her."

tough. i need my car.

but i really need my mother.