lazy day...

i have been bumming around all day. it's cold. i am out of bed at least, but i put on a pair of shirts earlier before i know it was cold and i am freezing my behind off. it is do tempting to just crawl back in bed and stay all cozy under the covers.

i made a pot of spaghetti with meat sauce, cleaned the living room and cleaned about 1/2 of my bedroom. i think my domestic duties have been satisfied for today.

my money is still not here yet. i am waiting...it ended up not being released until tuesday, so i only had tuesday, wednesday and friday for it to posts and i was told it takes 5 or 6 postings before you see your money. and of course this week it was not done until tuesday, so i missed monday. and due to thursday, i missed a day there too. it should be here early next week.

i ended up going to the target black friday stuff in the middle of the pre-dawn hours. i got a set farberware of pots & pans for $40 and a kitchaid 12 pc. knife block for $25. because i went in the middle of the freaking night, i got a $10 gift card to use later. then i used my target debit card for another 5% off. i have been meaning to buy new pots & pans because i have been using the ones i had for almost 12 years. i "lost" my knives during the move and have been trying to cut everything with a steak knife. it didn't work. so i got a few things off the list of things i will purchase eventually and i saved come money. it was worth waking up at an indecent hour, i guess.

i haven't been out of the house since then. i had bobo go get some bar-be-que last night. i didn't feel like cooking. i think i was just burned out from thanksgiving. my son had a fried turkey someone did up for them and they made mac-n-cheese and green bean casserole. her mom made sweet potatoes and brought rolls. i made sausage dressing, lima beas, deviled eggs, mashed potatoes and two pies- apple and cherry. i also brought gravy, kool-aid and ice cream. chickie made sweet tea.i did some cooking, but didn't do the entire meal. i got stuffed and ending up sleeping from 3 p.m.- 10 p.m. on the couch and from midnight to 5 a.m. in bed. maybe i have outgrown my sleep disorder. i slept last night from 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. this morning.  i hope i can keep this up. it feels weird to be well-rested, almost like being drunk.

it looks like a pretty day ourside. i am going to put on some pants, a sweatshirt and my long flannel robe to go outside to sit in the sun. and socks, don't forget socks!

i want to go to sleep!

i did better last night  but still not good. i went to sleep at 2:00 in the afternoon and slept until 6:00. i got up and did laundry. i stayed awake- no couch napping! but then i watched snl while i was on the computer. then i watched a roseanne comedy show on logotv. then i had to watch an eisode of family on youtube since i have some gigs.

i should have stopped at the end of snl and gone to bed after taking my meds. but i stayed up so late i couldn't take my meds. i will try again today. i finally got to bed last night at 3 a.m. and went right to sleep. so tonight i am going to bed at 11:00 p.m. and take my meds. if i can do this for a week, i will be back on my good sleep cycle.

i think i may have gained a few lbs. but we are weighing monday for what is called a triple crown. if you don't gain any weight after thanksgiving, chrismas and new year's, you get a prize. so if i have a few lbs. gain this week, i have a few lbs. to play with. i just can't go overboard. i can do this and i will do this, holidays be damned. the good thing is that thanksgiving is going to be at my son's house, soi won't be tempted by left over food.

i am noticing that my dear dear daughter-in-law is trying to start a bunch of little fights with me. she always does around the holidays. but guess what- i have a secret weapon this year. my son is leaving her after the holidays. i'm not falling for her little crap this year. i bought her christmas gift she wanted- i bought it on ebay even though it is new so i could get her more of what she wanted. she knows i bought it on ebay, but she wanted the new scentsy pillar candle with the wraps. i got her a candle with 2 wraps for the price of the candle and one wrap. i am also saving tax and shipping. she can't sat a freaking word about it since it's what she wants and i asked her if she minded if a brand new item came from ebay. it was okay withher. she's just being a bit scrappy right now and i refuse to smile my way through a wall of tears during what will probably the last holiday i get to spend with her children- the ones i call my grandchildren. maybe i can keep in contact with them through her parents. they know she is nuts. her mother warned me about her before they married. but she was playing nice then. i wish i had heeded her mother's advice.

but soon she will be history.

i think she gets a controlling thrill by doing this. she knows you have to play nice when you are around other people. forget that this year. i will just smile with bright eyes, knowing she will be gone soon enough. yes, i know a smug heart is a sin. but this year i will just have to sin.

i didn't go to church today. i am having a bit of a moral dilemma. the sermons the last few weeks have been about tithing and how important it is to give 10% of your income before taxes. i have noticed a few changed. the pastor is now called "senior pastor", his wife lost her job in the secular owrld and she is the "music and worship pastor"- a title that must earn her a check. he got a wad of cash for his birthday to use for a vacation. he was given a brand new honda suv free by a member as a blessing. what happened to his truck he had? he didn't gift it to someone who needed it, he SOLD it! why not pass the blessings on? it's becoming more about money and things at that church. he did the "cafeteria christian" thing about tithing, picking and choosing the verses to reinforce his points. give, give, give. they are getting more fundie, like not allowing orange or black wrapped candy to be given out at the harvest festival- which is a lot more pagan than halloween! he spoke out against the twilight series, magic mike and fifty shades of grey. i'm not ready to go back into that lifestyle. god gave me a brain and i know how to use it. orange and black wrapped candies won't condemn the children to hell i'm sure the nursery allows them to use orange and black crayons. so when they get rid of the evil crayons, i will believe they are following a true conviction, not a fad.

besides, my husband is giving me a dvd of magic mike for christmas. he just doesn't know it yet, as i always shop for myself. and i already got this snazzy computer! i have some john deere oxfords coming soon, but they were needed anyway and i don't think they should count as a gift.

i wish my back pay would get  here before black friday, but if it doesn't i have a plan. i will shop target and get the specials that are household items i need- new pot & pans and a knife block. our pans are all burned and peeling, thereby i'm sure they will give us cancer. and i forgot the knives from our old house. they may be tucked away in a box in the garage, but if they are, i can't find them. i have been using a steak knife for all cutting purposes. not exactly cutting edge- haha!- culinary technology. i have a target debit card for an extra 5% off and i also have a 5% off RX reward card. so i will get the specials plus 10% off. AND target is giving away a $10 card to all those spending $50 on home items. so i am getting off cheap! any other gifts will come out of my dec. 15th check unless the back pay shows up in the next few days. i have bought the kids a nice gift each, so i will flesh that out with some gift cards.

haunting the house...

back to bad sleep patterns!

i fell asleep on the sofa at 8:30 tonight, woke at 11:30. haven't been back to sleep despite taking some of my legal stash of prescription meds guaranteed to knock me out...NOT!

i slept on the sofa from 8-12 last night, went to bed and went straight to sleep. i woke up at 4:30 a.m., stayed up until 12 noon, then slept until 2:30 in the afternoon- i fell asleep watching a sitcom with my fat head propped in my hand and think i crushed my wrist. went to the grocery store, ate, then crashed on sofa.

i've got to stop crashing on the sofa. bobo tries to wake me up, but it does no good. i will lie and tell him anything to get a little more sleep. he knows this but he somehow believes me. he ends up moving my glasses so i don't crush them with my massive head, covering me up and making sure my neck isn't so kinked up that i wake up paralyzed.

when will he learn? i will lie and say anything to sleep. then when i do wake up, i can't sleep.

i guess instead of crashing on the sofa tomorrow, i need to dose myself up, set the alarm for church and go to bed. to think, i hadn't missed a single episode of saturday night live EVER until last year. i put up with it through the cocaine years, the unfunny years and now that they are semi-funny again, i can't even stay awake until midnight. heck, i don't make even make to the monologue.

to be honest, i don't even make it to the news.

i feel very old.

my bandwidth resets sunday. i hate it when someone put baby in a corner, with no you tube!

at least i am not getting up and eating. that's a step in the right direction.

but i need sleep!

'tis the season week 1

i am getting together a give-a-way for the holidays.

i will be giving away a treasure chest of decadent things for yourself...good tea, bubble bath or shower gel, a great lotion to keep soft in the cold weather, a great smelling candle, some yummy godiva chocolate, starbucks you can make at home, a coupon for a free bottle of international coffee creamer, a $25 target gift card for something frivilous now and a $25 amazon gift card for something frivilous later.

tell me your favorite gift. did you give or receive it? did you pay for it or was it shoplifted? give me your story!

i will take entries for this until next sunday. then week 2 will start. i think week two will be coffee related, possibly involving the home brewing of said beverage, 1 cup at a time. we'll see. but this week, i'll cut it off at 11:59 p.m. next mon., nov. 18 and i'll pull the winner from those entries. at 12:01 a.m. tues nov. 19 will start week 2. you will enter for each week on the entry labeled "'TIS THE SEASON WEEK__".

this is not being sponsored by anyone, and is composed of things i found around my house. but i have some nice stuff stashed back. i mean, i could have used the gift cards but i want to give it to someone who reads here because you have listened to me gripe all year. that's worth something.

good luck...and have a warm winter.

i was being a mean girl...

after i wrote about the devious ways i stalked an ex-boyfriend on the internet, i was over washed with guilt over what i was doing. suddenly, fiona apple "criminal" started playing in my head, "i was careless with a delicate man...when a girl will break a boy just because she can" , came on in my head and i realized i was being as petty as he was at 17. i'm a lot older than that. take that back, i am more mature than that. i saw the truth once it was all written out. god, what i doing was was fucking nuts.

i will be deleting the facebook account very soon. like as soon as i finish this post.

really? who needs him? one day i shall figure that out. and i would like to

did i mention my weight is on the downward swing after i dieted really hard for like 4 months! i won $646 in the pool, sometime 1-2 years ago. then i stopped losing weight, on purpose. now i am happily seeing the numbers go down. pisser- i missed $1695 by only 1/4 lb.!

anyway, i am making a conscious decision about every bite that goes in my mouth. nothing gross or over processed. not organic, just that healthy balance of being good fresh food, just not necessarily organic.

i am making some art for my kitchen. it's a picture frame painted black with a green chalkboard in the middle. like as huge as i can find at the thrift store. i plan on putting it by the back door, and also running some cup hooks down the side furthest from the door to keep all our odd keys on.

insomnia...

it would seem i am one of the walking dead. it's the middle of the night and i am awake. i went to bed at 8:00 p.m. because i could barely keep my eyes open. then midnight, i'm wide awake. now it's after 3:00 a.m. in the morning and i've been watching the murder channel all night. people can be so mean to each other! actually heinous! i should know, i think i've seen every episode except the one i really wanted to see- the one about elizabeth turpin.

 

there are a lot of sex ads on for different lubes and other paraphenalia. who is it that believes the walking dead are making zombie whoopie so dang much? trust me, if you're up in the middle of the night, i doubt you're burning up the bed sheets the rest of the time.

i have decided i hate cricket broadband. since i have discovered youtube on my new computer, i burned up all my gigabytes. i will have to watch an episode of family only on tuesdays, when it used to come on in the '70s. hey, stupid cricket people, UNLIMITED means without limit!

i really need to get an adult cell phone and broadband card. this cricket crap isn't working. and i am jonesing without my craptastic '70s tv shows. a taste of honey is worse than none at all!

i should go to church tomorrow but it's a baptism service. i will be so tired in the morning i may skip. i hope i don't go to hell.

but i am an evil person. i am on facebook but i also have a fake facebook account, specifically for my first love from 9th grade. he sent me an invitation to the email i have had forever and i did some finagling to switch it to another email i made just for this purpose. i blocked him from my real account. you'd be surprised how many people will accept an invitation from someone they don't know, as well as how many requests i have received from people i don't know. a few well placed key words in the profile brought them in like moths to a flame. anyway, back to the boyfriend, he had a girl friend when i first looked, at least her page showed her engaged to him. then she stopped posting on his page and her page showed she was in a relationship. he never mentioned her. then when i signed up, he started sending me messages asked me to visit him, that he lost his one true love when he lost me, blah blah blah. he poured his filthy heart out. i never replied to his messages. ever. his page showed he was playing a lot of casino games and i got game requests from him. i sent him a few. i posted a comment on one of his crazy halloween posts and he deleted the entire thing. then suddenly, it showed he was engaged to his girlfriend. her page reflected this too. the funny part of all of it? he proposed to her at a golden corral buffet!

GOLDEN CORRAL, PEOPLE!

how fucking romantic is that?

at least he took me on real dates, to real expensive steak houses. not freaking all-you-can-eat buffets.

she gets my left-overs. which seems just as appealing as the piles of food at golden corral.

i feel vindicated. i made him feel as shitty as he made me feel oh-so-many years ago. so today i posted a message that i was single again, let the games begin! i hope his heart sank into the floor. i hope he feels a day late and a dollar short.

my evil mission is completed. i will probably delete the fake account this week.

the odd thing?

my fake profile has more friends than my real one! obviously my fake life is more exciting than my real one.

sad but true!

just shoot me

why, oh why, do we bother changing the clocks twice a year? it seems i just used to a time change and BOOM! we change it again! i have been unable to sleep since the time change. i am used to not changing the time on my watch until late on sunday evening, when i need the extra hour. but i need a new battery for my watch and i can't seem to find the right size. i have been dependent on my cell phone to tell time and as you know, those suckers change automatically. i totally missed getting my extra hour when i needed it. i have gotten only a few hours of sleep each night since then. i am out of sorts, with muscle aches and just plain cranky.

but i am up to the second season of family on youtube. it's one of those shows you remember watching but don't remember actual plot details. of course i HAD to watch the episode where leif garrett was trying to seduce kristy mcnichol. i have to avoid reading the comments until i have watched the episode because they are sometimes hilarious and can skew the way i view the episode. i even saw the one where tommy lee jones seduced meredith baxter-birney. totally missed that the first time i watched it in 1976. he was so cute. what happened to his skin? he looked baby soft then, now he looks like he tans in a microwave.

the highlight of my week-end was attending a birthday party for a dog. yes, my granddaughter's mini-pin. we celebrated at her other grandmother's house with the best hamburgers. i haven't had a good burger in a while and this one hit the spot: black angus 1/3 lb. patty cooked on a charcoal grill, toasted bun, strong red onion, all the fixings, with sour cream and onion potato chips.

i almost didn't go. i wasn't originally invited, but root and chicky got into an argument. i was supposed to bring my son back to my house to spend the night, but somehow i got invited to the dogs party and took him out there. he ended up going back home with chickie and the grandkids. he says he wants to leave but he doesn't. he doesn't want to hurt the kids.

months ago, he took a sperm test. originally they said he had good sperm with great motillity. nope! upon further analysis, his sperm are swimming in circle, chasing their own tails. i guess that's why he never knocked anyone up during high school!

i am finally broke totally down...

something has crossed somehow during the full moon. i have to send proof to the insurance company about social security and i can't get it out of them. they keep telling me to wait for my award letter and i don't have a award letter yet. a letter has not even been written yet.

the other stuff the insurance company wants they already have a jillion copies of. i, on the other, have no copies of anything since the move.

i am supposed to get a check at the end of november. november! yes, 26 days from now, encompassing thanksgiving, and i still owe october's powerbill.

if they don't get the documentation, i don't get my check on the 15th. i can't get the documentation i need. i don't have any money. i have $54K floating around the universe somewhere, no one can tell me where or when i will get it.

 i have a $20 bill in my pocket and a few quarters in my piggybank.

i wish i didn't know the money was coming. it's killing me.

i am broke.

now i am broken...

but not in the monetary way. i have had a bad summer cold or allergies or something.

i got a new computer, but between snotting, watering eyes, coughing, sneezing and general cruddiness, i haven't even been interested in that- other than youtubing episodes of family and the james at 15 movie. tv in the '70s rocked!

i have been busy doing crap around the house. i still have 7 bags of clothing to sort- bags that contain my long sleeve shirts and sweaters among crap i should donate.

i got my medicare card. now i am waiting on my backpay! whooo! i'll be rich...for a minute. i plan on paying off my car. then i am getting a big steak dinner and a black leather coach shoulder bag. i think every good windfall should be commemurated with a nice handbag. i am also getting some type of lapdesk or maybe one of those hospital tables that goes over your bed, since i forsee a lot of surgeries in my future and i don't want to be stuck with no internet.

i think i might get a kindle too. you can get a lot of free books and it will be a useful thing to have. at least that's what i'm telling myself. i think i need the paperwhite edition, since i'm half-blind anyway.

please forgive my previous typos- i just discovered blogger has spell check!

i got a goodie box in the mail from a very nice woman. i also bought a big bag of christmas ornaments at a garage sale. i smell a christmas wreath being born. but i have to get a grapevine wreath and a new glue gun. the glue gun was a victim of the move. it disappeared. but i did find my short sleeved black sweater- just in time for the cold weather.

my piles of crap in the garage is dwindling. most of what is left is seasonal or stuff i didn't need my husband brought anyway. some of it has to find another home. but it will all be gone soon.

christmas shopping will mainly be gift cards this year. the kids are getting nintendo ds game systems, so they will need games and with a target card, they can get the ones they want. i am getting them those plastic puzzle boxes they have to solve before they can get the gift cards out.

if i get the spirit, i might actually shop for little stuff.

chilling and illing

i had some type of virus/flu/bootiecootie today. i couldn't eat anything. so what did i do after sleeping all day?

i'm watching diners, drive-ins and dives!  and it's killing me! i eat to make steak chili that takes 8 hours to make and served on black angus burgers and hand-stuffed frankfurters in a restaurant that's been in business since the civil war. i want garlic pork that's been smoked over a low heat since my momma was born.

but instead i am eating crushed ice and sipping pink lemonade, while starving to death.

why do i punish myself like this? i have no idea.

one day i am going to make some really good meat-only chili full of steak. i will probably eat every bite myself and lick the pot clean.

but not today.

i just sit here eating crushed ice and drooling, while fighting back the nausea.

but tomorrow is another story.

my friend is supposed to come down to see me and bobo this week-end. we plan on doing endless shrimp at   red lobster. i plan on wearing our server out. but i set up ground rules: if we need drink or biscuit refills, we will put the glasses and basket at the edge of the table. anytime you get refills for someone else, drop by our table. and i do tip well.

that's one thing that pisses me off about some of the traveling food shows. they don't tip.i guess they don't expect to ever have to eat in that city again.

but it makes me wonder just how much server saliva some "foodnetwork stars" have ingested. or at least, how make times their food had been poked.

i found out my disability had been approved. i have a wad of money coming. i am practicing my on-line shopping skills. i went to the target website and put almost $1K of damask bed linens and dishes in the basket before i clicked the little red arrow that sends my order into oblivion.

i actually have a plan. my car gets paid off, i get some target gift cards for christmas (the grandkids are getting wiis and i will let them pick out what games they want), the tiny mortgage i pay in addition to my house note gets paid off and the rest of the money goes into my saving account to pay for my part of the three surgeries i need. big whoop! but i do get medicare do i won't have to buy medical supplies off of ebay anymore.

it was never in my plan to me to ever get excited about medical supplies.

i was supposed to be a famous writer but actually spend most of my time on the tonight show and letterman, while fighting off the paprazzi from tmz during on a date with james woods, with whom i am engaged and who gave me a 1,000 carat diamond ring.

yea, old ass james woods.

there is something so appealing about a smart old man.

good news!

i didn't go to my old lady class, it is now the third thursday of the month. i didn't register and put my email address last night, so i didn't get a notification. the next class is how to set tile, so i will be there for sure!

i found out my social security got approved. i haven't got the letters yet, but the local office told me when i went there for something else.i won't get any money because it will all go back to the disability insurance company. i do get medicare, so i can have my hernia fixed and both knees fixed. yeah, surgery!

the only good things about the hospital are:

• no household chores
• crushed ice on demand
• GOOD drugs on demand= NO PAIN!
• my own TV that only i control
• someone else cooks all my meals
• most hospitals now have FAST wi-fi and my new computer should be here by then

i have a bed jacket to wear because i am sure that i will get lots of visitors since i belong to a church now. i've got to cover up the ta-tas! hopefully they will send a plant and not actually come out.

i'm not looking forward to surgery, but it will cut out the pain and discomfort i have lugging my basketball-sized hernia around.any any more! i will look normal again!

there was a woman there at the local office. she was there from the time i got there until i was ready to walk out the door. i listened to her story. she had 2 children. she was there trying to get her check because the bank returned it in error instead of putting it in her account. she said she had exhausted all the area food banks and there was no food to feed her children. they went to school knowing there would be no supper. i gave her a $20 i had ear-marked for halloween candy. i wrote on the bill, "you need this more than me. please feed your kids. help someone else when you can. please know you are not alone. god loves you and i am praying for you. everything will be okay." i hope it helps her out a little bit.

i hope someone would do it for me if i needed it.

old lady day

i went to my weight-loss group last night, but i went late so i didn't weigh. i got a chance to eat dinner with root, chicky, itchy and scratchy. we had mexican at a place i had never eaten and it was good! i'm glad i didn't have to weigh though!

tonight is the night i take my old lady class, as root calls it. home depot right by my house offers a "ladies  night" on the first tuesday of every month.. they have snacks, little workshops that show you how to do stuff around the house , a drawing at the end of each class and you get a goodie bag filled with tools that may or may not correlate to what you learned in the classes. i went last month by accident- we went to get a ceiling fan for one of the bedrooms and it happened to be the first tuesday of september.i learned:

• how to patch a wall
• how to fix a leaky faucet and toilet
• how to unclog a drain
• how to install a lockset
• how to winterize windows and doors

i figure if i go often enough, i will be able to build my next house! just kidding, i won't ever move. i will die in this house. not in a bad way, but it's the right size and the note is affordable, provided expensive shit stops breaking.

i just realized i have been cussing quite a bit. i don't mean to do so, i know a lady is not supposed to do it. but i have been mad inside. my husband needs a job. i mean, really needs a job. the one he is supposed to be doing turned out to be a part-time job. he has yet to get a check, even though he worked for the first time over a month ago.

he refused to go apply for a job a mile from the house because he thought this one would work out. when will he learn that i know EVERYTHING and he's better off doing what i say than having to listen to me throw it in his face for the next 30 years?

i have a hard place in my heart and he is only adding calcified layers to it instead of softening it.

nothing is broken except my heart!

nothing broke this week, but i am so mad i could spit.

bobo better get a ob or i might beat him to death with the tiny little hammer that come with the "don't break the ice" game.

at kroger, once you have 100 point (which is $100 worth of groceries purchased) you get .10 off each gallon of gas you buy in one transaction.

we had 59 points this month and we were going to the store and buy only enough to get by for a few days which would get us enough points for a cheap fill-up. we only need $41 pre-tax worth of groceries.

bobo kept buying food and wouldn't stop. we ended up spending $131. $90 more. and the points don"t carry over.

i was extremely pissed.

but i bit the bullet and decided to go ahead and buy some pantry stuff to get enough points.

i wasn't nice to him on the return trip.i'm sure it was evident in the sharpness of my voice, based on the evil looks i got from fellow shoppers.

but fuck them. fuck them all.

i am not taking bobo to the store anymore. he will eat whatever i bring home. he tried to explain the logic of buying food when you are hungry, so you buy more food. he is an idiot. i tried to explain to him that you buy when you AREN'T hungry, so you can make better decisions. he continued to tell me that if you aren't hungry, you won't buy enough food.

so he isn't allowed to go to the grocery store anymore.

because he is an idiot.

and i am an idiot for not getting rid of him years ago.

he has been working with root but not a lot.

there is a place near our home thathad a "help wanted- apply within" sign up friday. i told him about it friday when he got home. it wasn't there saturday because the place is closed. it makes sense they would take the sign in if they want prospective employees to apply inside and they are closed.

he think they took it in because they hired somebody.

he is an idiot.

and i am an even bigger idiot for still putting up with his crap.

lord help me. i am going to end up on the news for beating him to death with the help wanted ads.

i tried to distract myself at the store while i was seething with anger. i checked out the contents of one guy's basket and tried to guess what is going on in his life:

• two 12 packs of diet coke with lime
• a stack of lean cuisine dinners
• pet food
• toilet paper
• a gigantic chocolate cake

based on his food choices, i came up with the following possible scenarios (these are just my opinions):

• his wife is on a diet and he plans to eat the entire cake in parking lot and wipe his face with toilet paper. 
• he eats dog food, which gives him diarrhea. the dog is on a diet. the cake is for someone else.
• he is going to feed the pet food to his dog, then kill the dog with the chocolate cake. then he will go on a diet. the toilet paper will be used to mummify the body of the dog.
• he is on a diet, the dog will eat the pet food. after he weighs in for the week, he will eat the entire chocolate cake, which will give him diarrhea.

you see where this is going?

i was doing it to keep me from getting madder.

i did buy myself some sushi to eat for dinner, on the second trip to the grocery. i figure it is my reward for putting up with bobo and not running him over with the handicap cart.

i have solved the problem. i just bring him what i want him to eat. he can unpack the car and bring the groceries in and unpack.

i plan on never shopping at kroger again. orget the .10 offf a gallon of gas, i will be shopping at wal-mart. while they don't sell bobo's fresh fish or my sushi, i don't want to kill my husband when i shop there, just the other customers and the employees.

more stuff breaks!

this time it was my computer power cable, which is why i haven't been posting. i ordered another cable from ebay and the vendor was so freaking slow! but they sent me 2 cables and an apology, sp no sweat. however, being that i am prepared for the next time the cable screws up, i will probably never need another cable again in my life.

i did something impulsive and ridiculous. i bought a new laptop off of qvc, taking advantage of the easy pay plan. so i owe $93 to qvc for the next 5 months to pay it off- i had to make the first payment to place the order. this will have to be my christmas, valentine's day and birthday gift all rolled into one. it comes with a ton of software and the option of upgrading to windows 8 for $15 after the october release. i got it for $30 less than they normally sell it for and i got free shipping, which would have been another $30. i did get a great deal and i don't waste a lot of money buying stuff for myself.

i will, however, reconsider the cotton candy machine purchase. i haven't made it yet, but my dreams are filled with the idea of having cotton candy on demand. this would be a counter-productive move on part. it would not be the best idea to help me control my diabetes or lose weight.but mmmmmmm...cotton candy. cotton candy on demand without having to leave my home.so far, i have resisted the temptation.

i made it to water aerobics one time, but only once this week.i forgot to get my bathing suit out of the washer to dry.have you ever tried to put on a wet bathing suit? it's like putting toothpaste back in the tube. besides, i was too worn out from the 2 hours i did the day before to even fathom getting out and doing it again.i felt better the next day but my joints ached and the bottom of my feet hurt, in spite of the fact i  wore aqua shoes. excuses, excuses. i know, i should get up and go. the schedule is on the fridge so i have to look at it every time i get a drink or something to eat. my bag is repacked so i can't use that as an excuse. i did discover a little time saver. i put on my bathing suit at home and wore a big loose dress over it, so i didn't have to go to the y and spend time putting on my suit. i packed real clothes to put on at the y after class and i took my shower and shampooed my hair there. i had forgotten my hair styler/dryer thing so i had to deal with flat frizzy hair. i got my new tags for my car that day. i didn't get my address on my license changed because i don't like the photo on my current one. i am going to fix my hair and put on make-up for the new one, so i don't have to wag around my driver's license where i look like a tired old witch.

i bought some new glasses from one of those internet specials where the first pair is free. this pair is like tina fey's and my old pair had gold wire rims, so it is hard to get used to the darker frames. but i sent a picture of me in my new glasses to my friend i've known from nursery school. he thinks i look a lot younger with the new frames. so my new license will have me with fixed hair- i got a haircut this week too- and make-up. i have gotten out of the habit of wearing make-up the same time i stopped working, but i am going to start back. i look so much better with cosmetics. but that is the point, right? the point being, i want the new license to look gorgeous.

i have been thinking about my sister a lot. i worry she will die still hating me. but i am blocked from her facebook and any mail i send her or my mom gets returned. i didn't do anything wrong and none of this is my faulty, but i don't have any way to contact her. i could drive the 150 mile round-trip to her house but that is no gurantee she will be home or even open the door if she is there. i hate to waste the gas, although i would be able to ride in comfort in my gangsta mobile. i think i will just stay home and be secure in the knowledge i did everything i could to work things out between us. she knows i hate drama and conflict, and i especially hate being ignored. she knows all this, which is why she is doing it, just to push my buttons. i am just going to keep my buttons to myself.

i had something else break. i ordered some pretty glass canisters to use for chistmas gifts. i planned on making candy to put inside them (packing each type of candy in a cellophane bag with a cute seal) and decorating the finial on the jar lid with red and green ribbon. they took over a month to arrive...and 2 of the 3 were shattering into tiny shards of glass. there goes that. it was one of those sites that has 3-day sales and you never know what they will have. you get credit when someone signs up and i had enough points to pay for them, but dang, i was really looking forward to super creative gift for the holidays. i had planned on giving them to the people in my daughter-in-law's family i am close to, but she and my son aren't getting along at the moment, so i may not even need gifts for them.

if you sign up, you get free shipping on your first order within 30 days of registration and i get credits to use on merchandise. just use this link totsy to sign up. they sell mainly infant and toddler stuff that would be great for baby showers or birthday gifts and the prices aren't too bad. the stuff is CUTE! they also have some cool stuff for your house, like candles and vases and they have a lot of purses and shoes. i just can't recommend the glassware, haha!

the juice is loose

i got a new car. well, a newer car. it's a 2010 chevrolet impala with less than 50,000 miles on it.i got a shitty interest rate because of my credit back from years ago, but i can affiord it. it is just taking up the slack i was looking forward to in my budget. so basically, i went from a higher house note to a lower house note with a car note and it all comes out almost even. i was looking forward to having that extra cash but a car is more important. a friend of mine told me to think of it as having a coupon for "buy a house, get a car for free." at least it's not a 72 month note, just a 66 month note. bobo can help pay for it with the job he is getting and we can pay it off early.

we got some really bad weather last night from hurricane issac, rain so thick you couldn't see anything, lightning, thunder. we lost power, flipping the breakers didn't help, so we called the utility company. they said they had limited crews, as most of the men were in louisiana prepared to work on the power lossage there and they had no idea when it would be back on. so we went to bed. but we noticed the a/c was still running, as well as the refrigerator and we had nightlights on in both bathrooms. we just figured it was wired differently that anywhere else we have lived. i got a call from the power company this morning saying the power was back on, but it wasn't. we still add the same situation as last night. i had them schedule someone to come out and look at it, even though there was a $75 fee if the problem was on our end.

then i called the electricians responsible for the house warranty. i got the emergency number off of their recording and called it. he said i called the wrong number but he did work for the company.weird,  i explained the problem and he said he would give the on-call guy a ring and have him call me. meanwhile, bobo was out in the garage fiddling with the breaker box. two if the breakers wouldn't flip. then suddenly the power came back on. i guess they were just sticky. the electrician called to tell him  he had contacted the guy on duty and he would be calling me. i told him never mind, but he said when the guy called me, to explain about the difficult breakers and they would fix them so they would flip easier.

then i called the utility company and cancelled their guy.

i've saved $75 this morning and it's not even noon!

out with the old...

i have a new house and i am happy. but now the old things are breaking.

like my tv.

and my CAR!

it keeps getting hot and we keep putting more water in it. there is never a puddle under it, the water from the radiator just disappears! i went on youtube and found some possible solutions- hopefully it's not a blown headgasket. we will be trying these this week-end. i went to a car dealership this afternoon after days of negotiating with them on the phone. i was quoted a 15% interest rate, which i could live with, but when i got there, they sprang a 25% INTEREST RATE on me. that's like buying a car with a credit card! needless to say, i am not doing business with them. i know the last days of the month are the best days to buy a car, because they are trying to meet their sales quotas. i think they just wanted me to buy a new car instead of a used one. it couldn't come at a worst time...

after being unemployed for 2 1/2 years and running out of his unemployment benefits, he found a job that would start in 2 weeks. after him being off all that time and us having a car, we don't have one when he needs it for a job! i have applied to a few different car lots and i am waiting on the word from the financing departments. it doesn't hurt your credit score that much if you do up to five in a short period of time, so i hopefully will get good news very soon.

it just seems like i get a bit ahead and then get knocked a few steps back. i can deal with a $300 car note, that is how much cheaper my house is vs. where i used to live. i cannot pay 25% interest on a used car! no way, no how! i am just hoping the youtube videos will show bobo what he needs to know to fix the car. he really needs a job! i mean, i can keep things going like i have for the last few years, but goodness! it would be so much easier if he could get a job somewhere. i won't have to think fifty times about whether or not i can buy something i really need. we might get to go out and eat once in a while- i am a good cook but it gets old, eating at home all the time. i could tithe to my church actual money, rather than just giving my time and skills.

something good will have to happen! and soon! it's the first job that has come along he can do and while he has applied for disability, if he can do this job, he could forget all about disability in a heartbeat! he would rather work than go on disability and i think he would be able to treat me better if he felt better about himself.

please pray! wish on the blue moon tonight! whatever you do to get things done! i need help!

HELP!

something happened!

i blogged about my tv earlier.

it has been on the curb since yesterday afternoon. 1 man stopped to get it but he couldn't lift it because it was so heavy. judging by the expression on his face, i think he may have ruptured a testicle trying to pick it up.

this morning on the way to target, i realized the remote was missing.

when i got back from target, the tv set was missing. after it had been rained on.

i hope i don't watch the news tonight and find out that some man electrocuted himself with a waterlogged tv set he picked up off the street and plugged in.

oh well, i gave it to the universe and the universe took it home.

it is no longer my responsibility.

that is all.

just another entry

i really don't have anything to write about but i am trying to get in the habit of posting on a more regular bais. so here i am.

the tv i put in the living room died. we had discussed buying new tv sets when we moved in and decided to wait until the old tv sets croaked and replace them. so my old tv with the big butt died. i found one on sale at target but they were sold out so i got a raincheck. if i buy it when i get my check and use my target debit card to buy it, i will get an extra 5% off. target has a great warranty, so i will get that too. if it breaks, i just take it back to target, i don't have to fool with sending it off somewhere and waiting forever to get a replacement. target is less than 5 miles from my house now, so it won't be an issue.

i am having to move the tiny tv from my room to the living room every morning and evening. it looks funny to have such a tiny tv in a big room. i wonder what the neighbors think about me having such a small tv, because we have yet to put the mini-blinds up in the living room. there is a group of women who walk the neighborhood for exercise and i know they can see inside the house. they probably think we are very poor, having a new house and tiny tv.

i will have a new tv in a few weeks and all will be good. i realized i don't really watch tv, because i am usually on the computer and the tv is on just for the sound.

that's all i have to say. nothing else is going on.

but i realized a goal. i posted. sorry to bore you. i promise to try to lead a more exciting life in the next few days.

new kid in town!

i got moved! these are pictures of my house that the realtor took, so it's not my stuff. my house, but stuff they used to stage it! it's a small house, but big enough for me and bobo. the backyard is now fenced for my dog.

then i got the flu!

when i moved, i gave away a ton of stuff. after it was all cleaned out, i realized i was missing a few precious things: my father's rolling pen- the only thing i had that had belonged to him, the picture of my great-grandmother taken in 1901 when she was 6 years old, and two cast-iron skillets. i guess someone slipped them out when i wasn't paying attention. i know, it's a bizarre mix of things, but those are the only things i am missing. oh, i am also missing the black sweater i was wearing while we moved. i keep thinking i'll find that as soon as i get all the clothes unpacked.

i too all my clothes off the hangers and moved them in black garbage bags, which are now strewn all over my closet floor, and bobo forgot to grab the hamper with the hangers! i am trying to sort through them and stick stuff into drawers, but i am going to have to go to target and buy about 50 million hangers. he even stopped by there to get the hangers but the landlord had changed the locks already. there were no signs it had been rented. i knew he was a liar!

my new neighborhood is nice. i am toward the back where there aren't any kids. i met the lady across the street and she is very nice. my husband met her boyfriend who lives with her. the boyfriend said they would be moving soon. then he proceeded to say that they would be moving after they got married in 2 years and had a couple of kids. sounds like they won't be moving any time soon!

my son and daughter-in-law are going to see a fertility doctor in october. she is going to have her tubal ligation reversed. i asked her to be sure my son gets a sperm count done before she takes extreme measures, since root was 7 weeks early and preemies are often sterile. i know they want a child but i'm hoping he doesn't get in over his head. she already has two kids- itchy and scratchy- and a third one might be what puts her over the edge. i mean, i know my son wants a child of his own flesh and bone, but she has already said she is only willing to have a child so he will  have one of his own. it's hard to think she will have a child that she has already said she doesn't really want.if they do have a kid and split up, i am sure she will leave the baby with my son. and after i analyzed my situation last month, there is no way i can raise another. he will have to move in with us and bobo and i will do everything we can to help him. i am going to stop thinking about it. i will get upset.

i am near the ymca, so i can start going swimming and taking water aerobics classes. i just haven't gotten off my butt to go get the schedule. i did buy a lock for my locker, so that is a step in the right direction.

a tale of many NOs

no baby: )

no menopause : (

no house closing date yet : (  but the real estate agent is thinking aug. 10 is the magic day.

that means no house note due until Oct. 1 : ) i can buy holiday gifts with the extra money, maybe a computer that doesn't freeze up every 5 minutes!

i caught the landlord yesterday skeezing around my bedroom window yesterday morning. i had been awake for  few hours packing, but i had gone back to the bed for minute to rest. i had my computer on one side, catching up on a certain train-wreck blog. the other side of the bed, i had a box of junk i was sorting into craft stuff, beauty items and trash. i can multi-task from my bed. my dog was barking but i always give him a minute before i pay attention to his barks. it might be a cat, it might be a masked gunman. but there was a shadow outside my bedroom window. it moved toward the other side of the house.

i put my jeans on and went to the front door. he was taking a picture and he quickly folded his phone up and stuck it in his pocket when i opened the door. he asked when we were leaving. i told him again, aug. 15. he said he had people moving in aug. 15. i told him he needed to rethink that, because i don't plan on being out the butt crack of dawn and i will not mix up moving out with someone else moving in at the same time.  he asked if we would consider staying. UMMM, NO! besides, i thought you had it rented. but i just shook my head. he asked if i would be cutting the grass. i told him him it would look just like it did when we moved in, which was grass up to your knees. but as i mentioned before, he is not that bright, so he just agreed with me.

he finally left. i didn't mention the photos. how did he rent it without showing it? he's an idiot. i plan on sending him a bill for using my patio furniture in the photo. he also asked me if i was leaving any outdoor furniture. NO! 

idiot!

i can't wait to leave!

bobo went to the doctor and got some blood-pressure medicine. he also picked up some type of virus in the waiting room too. he has been sick as all get-out since tuesday evening. he's been sweating, had a fever and body aches. needless to say, i have been doing a lot of packing since he's been out of the way.

i have a lot left to do, mainly the kitchen. but 6 people at the church have volunteered to help and i have 3 trailers to fill! i can move in 1 trip! it was made clear to me it was being done out of love, not for money. but i don't think anybody will argue with a barbeque dinner if i run over the bbq joint and get a shoulder special!

i can"t wait to leave!

downsizing and super-sizing...at the same time

i was supposed to close on the house monday, but the bank is behind in processing mortgages. so i won't close until next friday, or maybe even the monday after that. i am eager to move and have been packing.. i put some furniture on craigslist list, as well as bobo''s mower. we sold a few things. i'd rather sell it than move it! a friend has graciously offered to move us with her horse trailer, so i'm trying to get the amount left to move down to the smallest amount possible.

i was packing up the master bathroom thursday, putting everything in a box that i don't think i will need, but still having it accessible since i'm not sure when i'll be moving. i came across the contents of the middle drawer- my personal lady things- and it hit me:

i haven't had a moon cycle since february. i'm not sure of the exact date since i keep up with it in my check register which i changed a few months ago and it is packed up with the stuff from my desk somewhere. i had to go through my blog archives to find out when that was and i had posted about being sick with the intestinal obstruction in the middle of february. i got my lady time then and i haven't had one since then.

i bought a couple of pregnancy tests at the dollar store yesterday. i took the first one yesterday- positive. i decided maybe it was defective, so i decided to take one with the first morning's urine.

i took one this morning with the morning's first urine- positive.

i freaked out.

i just sat there, looking at the little stick with the big plus sign.

oh god.

if only i had taken my grandson's advice from abut 6 months ago.

there is a story at my church that the water makes you pregnant. they have a baby dedication day every six months, and last week we had one.

scratchy: i saw what you did!
me: what did i do?
scratchy: i saw you drink the water. it will make you have a baby!
me: who told you that?
scratchy (loudly): EVERYBODY KNOWS!
me: so what should i drink?
scratchy: coffee!

it was a funny story. but suddenly it's not funny. here i am, 47 years old, lots of health problems and a baby on the way.

my husband has a doctor's appointment monday. i guess i will tag along and get a blood test.

i can't help but think back on the YEARS i spent trying to conceive. i have spent a fortune on pregnancy tests that were negative. i would have given my right arm for a baby. THEN. 25 years ago.

my son turned 29 2 weeks ago. i don't need a baby. i will be 60 when it hits middle school. my arthritis is so bad i am using a walker half the time. how am i going to take care of a baby? i am diabetic, that will get really out of control.

i'm in the process of moving to a smaller house. suddenly the house that seemed perfect for me and my husband seems too small to hold another living being. our dog- who is our baby too- will have to go away. he is too aggressive to be around a baby.

of course, i am moving into an area with a better school district. the bus picks up at the end of the block.

i am praying that the shitty tests are defective. i hope the blood test is negative.

i told bobo. he seems happy. i don't think it's really hit him yet.

all the signs were there but i missed them. no moon cycle for months- i thought it was just menopause, which i have been looking forward to with all my heart. napping almost everyday- i chalked that up to aging, even though that was what happened when i was 18 and pregnant, i wanted to sleep all the time.waking up sick- i thought it was because i have cut down on the pain medication and i figured it was a sign of mild withdrawal. i have lost 15 pounds but my clothes aren't getting any looser.

i'm not gonna freak out. but i will be putting a special prayer request in the box at church tomorrow.

please pray i am not pregnant. that is the last thing i need now.

packing and stacking

i got a call from the bank, but it was good! she wanted to know if i had picked out the insurance company to get my homeowners insurance through. i am getting it through the company i use for auto insurance, because i get a 20% discount for having both through the same company. i told her i would get a quote monday when i went to pay my car insurance and call her. then i timidly asked her if my stamped returns would be acceptable. she was all perky and said "oh yeah, we don't have a problem there!" my heart sang and i felt like a million concrete blocks had been lifted from my shoulders.

so i guess i no longer have an excuse to avoid packing. i mean, while it was unsure if i would move, it didn't make any sense to actually box everything up. if it hadn't gone through, i would just have to unpack everything and keep living in this crappy house. i have trashed a bunch of junk and got some piles of stuff together to donate. but now i have a reason to actually box it all up and label it. my son and chicky are moving this week-end, so i offered to help and called dibs on their boxes, which chicky reinforced with goo-gobs of tape. i have a pt cruiser, so the seats can come out and i will have a ton of space in the back to fill with their stuff.

my house is still full of paper. receipts, returns, all manner of paper crap. i have decided to pull out all the imminently pertinent stuff and keep it in my briefcase. the rest is going in a rubbermaid tote to organize later. i know i should go by the rules of "touch it once" but i will have plenty of time to sort and shred later. there is still a yard sale in my future. chicky is planning on having an inside sale, since their house will be vacant until it sells. i will bring my stuff over to go with their stuff and we will have one big open house inside yard sale. we won't have to worry about rain. they are right on a highway, so we will get lots of traffic.

we're going to advertise in the paper in the HUGE town nearby, as well as the local weekly paper. the local paper has junk like FHA news,editorials about the good ole days when women wore dresses and everybody drank sweet tea out of mason jars on the porches of their un-air-conditioned shotgun shacks, notices for livestock sales and rodeos and PAGES of classified ads. you can buy anything from church pews to home-grown vegetables by going through their ads. they never have any jobs in there except for long-haul truck drivers. but since it comes out every wednesday, people tend to keep them around until the next one comes out. mostly to kill flies with, as they drink sweet tea out of mason glasses and reminisce about the good ole days when cocaine was a penny a pound and they walked to school uphill both ways in the snow barefoot.*

\

so i have my days cut out for me. i want to get rid of anything that doesn't make me happy, improve my life through it's usefulness and i don't already have 4 of the same thing. i have a long way to go!

*this is from some comics act. i can't remember the name of the comic because i was laughing so hard i didn't catch the name.

snack time

my offer got accepted but there is a little snafu. i told her almost a month ago that i had mailed the tax returns the same day i went to see her. yesterday, i had to bring more paperwork and some cash. one of the forms was the request for the irs to send her copies of the returns. since it takes 4-10 weeks for returns to be processed, it hit about 30 minutes later that if she requested transcripts, it will show i did not file. i told her i would personally bring the returns to the irs station 60 miles away and get them to put them in the computer right away.

i went today and did that. i asked if they could write me a letter that they had been turned in. NO. could they fax copies of the returns to her, showing they had copies in hand? NO, they would only fax it to me. all that could be done was accepting the returns i have already mailed to them and turn them in again and they would stamp that it had been received.

i called her and she said it should be good enough, she would call me  if it wasn't. i took my stamped copies and left. she hasn't called me, so no news is good news.

the person i dealt with did not impress me. he was probably 450-500 lbs. he helped me navigate the doors in my walker, which was nice. i explained my situation to him- i have spent my rent money to get this house and now i may be homeless. the house i am in is in major disrepair and one of the toilets don't flush because they didn't install the septic system right. there are cracks around all the doors were the doors weren't installed right. he asked me what i wanted him to do. i asked him what he suggested be done. he tipped a bag of chex mix to his mouth and chomped down on what must have been about half a bag. he had a choking fit and actually sprayed me with soggy bits of chex mix FROM HIS MOUTH. I wiped my face as i watched him open a big bag of m&m's and shovel a handful in his mouth. i kind of steeled myself, because if he coughed up m&m's in my face, they could hurt. he took my returns, looked them over and said they looked right and he would make copies to stamp for me. i called the bank while he was gone and the bank chick said it would probably work. when he brought my copies back, he had a small bag of fritos he started on while he stapled and stamped my paperwork. he ate about 700 calories in the 10 minutes i was there. i am fat, but i am trying to lose more weight and there is no way i could sit at a desk and eat like that all day. i would end up puking. i ain't the pot calling the kettle black, but seriously, he needs to cut down the snacking. i don't think they are even allowed to eat at their desk.

happy, happy, joy, joy

my offer was accepted! i get my house!

the only bad side is that i have 18 days to pack up the house. chicky wants to have a yard sale this week-end. i will need my son to bring his truck over and take a load of bulky stuff to his house. i am unsure if i will sell my antique wardrobe. i bought it in 1985 for $35 and it's followed me to every house i lived in. if i sell it, i need to get $350, which is a great return on my money. i will miss my wardrobe. but i could get a new sofa for the price. i hope nobody buys it. i may just leave it here and take a picture of it to post at my yardsale. if they are interested, they can roll to my house and look at it in person.

i dread packing up my kitchen, i have too many dishes. i need to get the dishes all clean and leave out the plastic bowls and plates, then just pack everything else i want to take. i have way too much stuff.

i think i have too much stuff for several reasons:
* i grew up poor. more is better, right? unless you are packing it and moving it.
* i always tried to have 2 of everything, because i had too many horror stories at my house about women being left by their man and having nothing. with 2 of everything, if bobo wanted to leave, we would have enough for both of us and neither of us would suffer or scramble  to get a household together. i try to get rid of dishes now and bobo says, "hey, that's the bowl i eat cereal/rice/potatoes/assorted mundane food stuffs in! don't get rid of it!" so i am back to having too many dishes.
* i have these fantasies in my mind of having wonderful  dinner parties, but i never have them. if i ever do actually have a party, i will need them. i refuse to make delicious food and eat it off a freaking paper plates.cook-outs are okay, but not actual cooked recipes. my concoctions should be eaten off of china.

i need to get off of here and  start packing.

wish me luck and let me know if you need some assorted crap!

judge not, says the judge

seriously.

i went to the women's retreat. it was okay. the food was great. i plan to put up a link to the facility later because i am  not really conscious at this point. i came home about 5 o'clock, sat up for an hour with bobo. but then he started watching racing and i fell asleep- ouch!my neck is all crunchy and my lungs hurt a bit. but there is a bad air warning out for this area and i was outside more than i expected. i told bobo he needs to wake me and be sure i am awake. shake me, pull my hair, pinch my toe. get me up though! because i will lie to  sleep. i will say anything to get me some extra sleep.

so now i am up very late. but i am tired and i will be dragging my sorry butt to church tomorrow all tired. i think my most favoritist thing about week-end is that i met a woman who was rocking the total kate gosselin. the hair do, cut clothes, makeup, jeweled flip-flips and florescent pink toe nail polih. the pineapple reverse mullet hair-do, complete with highlights and the super spiked part at the crown. we ended up together in line for an activity and we talked a bit. she was really nice, but i could feel the side of my face grow a zit. she exuded this weird energy and i decided to pretend she really was kate gosselin.that made dealing with her perkiness. fun memories of watching jon & kate + 8 before they went all nuts.

now i am eating my facorite pic-nic dinner while i play on the puter- v-8 juice, cheese and pretzels. this is my go to comfort food. i used to use it as a work lunch but flesh it out with some sliced turkey or ham and some vegetables- cherry tomatoes, cucumber slices, carrot sticks, pepper strips and maybe a boiled egg. i love it, i would love to force rachael ray to improve on it.i dare her. because she can't. it came about because i was broke and hungry one time when i was a teen and it was all i had in the house, sitting at home in the huge apartment my mother rented in order to get her welfare and food stamps (because she lived with her boyfriend but took advantage of the free section 8 apartment in the swanky apartment complex. that apartment was huge because they gave me and my sister each got our own room ( even though my sister lived with my great-grandmother). my mom kept her stuff in the master suite and i think the utility bill got paid through some energy grant my mother got. those were the days after she had ovarian cancer treatment.i remember going into fred montesi's supermarket at poplar and mendenall and getting fussed at by a little jewish lady.

"you're too young to be on the government dole, girlie." she snipped at me.

i had one of those episodes of self-realization where you feel yourself lift up and look down on the situation and look down. "my mother has cancer and my father is gone. it is all i do to eat." i told, feeling a bit like the little poor match girl.

the woman got all teary and apologized. she ended up cramming a twenty in my hand. which was really great because i was out of tampons and you can't get those with food stamps.

the one where i whine about a house

i got my mortgage pre-approval. i went with the realtor to write a contract for a house i found on-line that fits my needs and my paltry amount for which i was approved. it has been on the market almost a year. my offer:

• make my offer almost full price
• stipulate i need the backyard fenced
• they pay closing costs and inspection

reasonable, right? THEY HAVE ANOTHER OFFER ON THE HOUSE!!!!! it was on the market for almost a year and suddenly it's a hot piece of property. the real estate agent asked if i wanted to change it. i decided to let it ride. the builder can get the fence done for next to nothing. if i don't get this house i will find another. i have a couple up my sleeve. an they all have fences!

i have been trying to start packing but i am at the point where i am making a bigger mess than i started with, but i'm doing it. i have stuff designated for a yard sale but if time starts crushing me, it will go to the goodwill. it would be a nice tax deduction. but it could possibly be a nice wad of cash. we'll see. 

i am going to a women's retreat friday and saturday with the church at a bed & breakfast a few towns over. i am riding with chicky. i am going on a scholarship, meaning i can't afford to go and the church will pay for me. just like when i went to camp as a child and teen. but i am looking forward to it. the food is supposed to be good. it is supposed to be 102 degrees while i am there.

my mother couldn't afford all day childcare and my great-grandmother couldn't deal with me and my sister. so we got sent to every vacation bible school that would pick us up, keep us away from the house for a few hours, give us a cup of kool-aid and some cookies and drop us back at home, all sugared up and ready to tangle with my ggma.

i was actually a good kid. i read or played with my dollhouse. i preferred to stay inside. sometimes i would get kicked out. i liked to sit in the shade on the side of the house, sitting on a red plastic milk crate. the only reason i got kicked out was because my stupid little half-sister, who was diagnosed as bi-polar later, was loosing her brain and just acting out. she danced on the kitchen table. she'd turn on the gas stove burners really high.once she pulled a knife on me and ggma. she was bad. but i always got lumped in with her. i got my ass beat a lot that year. because of her.

but back to vbs, i think we went to every religion. i got my windbreaker at the mormon church. my change pure was stolen at the methodist day camp. the song leader at the baptist church patted me on the ass in a way that made me want to puke.but by god, i went to vbs a lot. i won a boatload of little plaques with bible verses.

maybe i'll win a plaque this week-end. 

maybe they'll accept my offer.

30 things

i stole this from this goddess. When you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you. As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back. Here are some ideas to get you started:

•  * Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends. 
•  * Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become. 
•  * Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled. 
•  * Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now. 
•  * Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you. 
•  * Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one. 
•  * Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did. 
•  * Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come. 
•  * Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions. 
•  * Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness. 
•  * Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first. 
•  * Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first. 
•  * Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely. 
•  * Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you. 
•  * Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others are doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only. 
•  * Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?” 
•  * Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be. 
•  * Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time. 
•  * Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs. 
•  * Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right. 
•  * Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly. 
•  * Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you. 
•  * Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done. 
•  * Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary. 
•  * Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again. 
•  *Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life. 
•  * Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus. 
•  * Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about. 
•  * Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right. 
•  * Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

why does life keep sucking?

my son is still not talking to me. my husband went to church without me and sat with him and his wife. my son says he loves me, he is praying for me and he doesn't understand me. i don't think god wants him to hurt me to make his life happy-sappy. he is brainwashed and begging for more kool-aid. i hope his bitch wife gets what she wants- a broken man who has learned to cruel and emotionally detached. that is the puppet she is turning him into- i hope they are happy together.

it takes 21 to make or break a habit. it has been 22 days since he talked to me. i still tear up, but then i remember- HE IS STUPID! and i don't cry. i don't even want to be around him. i guess i can say i lost a child. inside me, i don't want to see him again. he's done what bothers me more than anything: being ignored and treated as if my feeling don't mean anything. i know this stems from never meeting my father and hearing all those lies from my mother for years. based on how she treated me, i learned compassion for him, a man i never met. i can only imagine how he felt, knowing i was out there and he couldn't find me. my mother always told me that my father claimed if he had to pay child support, he would take me off forever. i would be raped until he tired of me and then he would kill me and dump me in the desert, yes, my mother said this to a small child for years. if you ever wonder why it doesn't bother me that i don't see her that's why. i grew up fearful of him ever showing up.

i was a milk carton kid before such a thing existed.

by the time i found out about the truth, he had been dead 3 years. i never met him. it is my mother's fault. her response: "i didn't want to deal with him."

she would rather raise a child in poverty and a single home than deal with her ex once a year. i was never the favorite child once once my half-sister from her third marriage came along. i became a scapegoat for everything. i was punished brutally. she once threw an entire set of encyclopedias one by one. note- when cowering in a corner and counting off volumes as they fly at you, don't forget that the bibliography and index are each a separate volume. i raised up after she threw XYZ and got the bibliography on one side of the head and the index on the other side of my head. she beat with a belt until i had bruises so bad i was kept out of school. she pushed me onto a gas heater and burned the hell out of one of my legs. i can still seee the scars. so many "accidents".

i'm probably the only person in the entire world who watched Mommie Dearest and waited for it to get bad.

okay, enough about my rotten childhood. my son knows that i feel abandoned and what does he do? abandons me. the one thing that crushes my spirit, my soul, makes me want to blow my brains out. so he desserts me.

if he loves me, how can he do this to me? his wife says god is using this time to work on my son and make him a godly man. i don't think i like their god.

i'm glad my sister is stuck with my mother. she does it for the money. at least i don't have to put up with looking at her and knowing she took half of my life way. since she has alzheimer's, she can continue to think i had a  happy childhood.

maybe one day my son will come around. but i don't now if i can ever get back those old feelings i had for him. after all, 21 days makes or breaks a habit.

absence doesn't make the heart go stronger, it makes it turn to stone.

wasted days and wasted nights...

ok, i know loretta lynn didn't sing that song, i don't know. but i liked this picture of sissy spacek who wanted to use it. this is totally off the subject, but did i ever mention i had a relative who was actually named loretta lynn? yep! anyway, the funky house is under contract. i talked to the listing agent. she said it doesn't pass fha inspection, so i know i can't get it anyway.i found a larger home that would meet my needs. it has a tiny sunroom on the back, but how big of a sunroom do i need? i need to be doing the taxes right now, but i do hereby commit to doing the taxes for at least hours a day. i want you to call me on it. i am going to have to cut out some of the internet fun and grab my pencil and calculator. have you ever tried to remember every item in home? try it. i am constantly going back and adding things i happen to remember. at least now they don't make you remember where you bought it. so- at least 4 hours a day until they are done. keep me motivated.

dirigible

a 6 year-old lost the national spelling bee on the word "dirigible". i couldn't spell the word until i googled it. congrats, little nameless 6 year old!

it feels like i'm in junior high

i have been an ass-kicking, friend-losing bitch lately. root and chickie are still mad at me. the grandkids won't be here until next week-end, maybe everything will be resolved by then. with psycho-bitch-in-law, you getwhat you get. you never know. i haven't talked or texted either of them all week, save an 1 1/2 hour screamfest with chickie on monday. root is texting joe. i think she checks the phone bill to sure he doesn't call me. i am actually at peace with it. i didn't do too much crying. i have not been too sad. i feel strangely serene. i know it's not my son, it's his nutso wife. my sister is still in a manic phase. my loan is coming along. no one is looking at my fav house. i think i can get it cheap. i should be there in a month! SQUEE! i found the paint you put on the countertops to make them look like marble and granite. i am getting the blue and i am going to duplicate the kitchen we had 2 houses ago. it was the bomb. it shall be the bomb again, my dear. i promise to give you pics and let you know if it works. i can't wait to get it in shape. i am keeping the sunporch like it is, but using astro-turf for a rug and painting the ceilings blue. i also need to paint the ceiling fan blades. they are leaf shaped and i am thinking a green-ish brown, the color of a real palm tree leaf. i am thinking about getting cream colored twin sheets for curtains. wicker and garden furniture. a futon on one end for guests. and it has a cool cabinet on the wall. i can hide my spice hoard. can you tell that in my mind, i am living in that house right now? i will be so let down if i don't get it. but i will get it. i have to get it. it's perfect.

the day everyone hates me

mother's day was enacted in 1908 to be sure that all mothers got recognition for all they do the other 364 days. cards and flowers are the norm. boxes of candy and fancy brunches are also big here in the south. a great time is had by all. except me. my son unfriended me on facebook. he blames me for not having a great childhood. he blames me for abandoning him when he was 12. i had to leave my husband or i would go crazy and kill both of us! we had gone through a devastating house fire in which i lost everything i owned. well, i may have ended up with a shoebox of charred stuff. but i asked him to go with me. i gave him the choice. he chose to stay with his father. now due to his choice, i'm a bad mother. it was six months. i lived alone, stayed home 99% of time and just stayed by myself. i just needed to get away from my husband. i came home and life continued as if i had only been gone a few days. then my son had me thrown in jail on bogus domestic violence. what mother hasn't thrown up her arms in despair and said "whatever!", only he was right behind me and the second knuckle of one finger grazed his lip. one drop of blood. i was on probation for a year. i went to parenting classes with horrible people, including a woman who allowed someone to fuck her 4 month-old daughter for crack. a woman who turned tricks in front of her kids. a man who sold drugs out of the car while he rode 3 children around, no carseat. they almost laughed me out of the class. they were african-american. there was one other white chick, but her story involved slicing her husband's throat, so i doubt she was there for some easy reason. i went to every class, got a perfect attendance certificate and also a certificate for making a perfect score on my first try. the judge dismissed those, saying they weren't important. but they were important to me. and i ruined his life. i consider it a wash. but i ruined his life by something that he had a choice in. he had the choice to go to my apartment and also to visit anytime he wanted. i had no choice in going to jail, or to those horrible classes. i ruined his life 17 years ago and he forgot to tell me until yesterday.