i'm an orphan again

a few years back, 8 years to be exact, my mother began to shun me. my calls went unanswered and if i came over, no one answered the door. i could hear them behind the door, scuttling like rats. i could see the vehicle my mother and sister shared, so i knew they were both most assuredly home.

i think i am about to shun my sister.

i was supposed to take care of my mom, so i spent 2 days getting ready for her visit. usual crap, washing sheets and blankets, making sure i shop for food so the cupboard isn't bare.

then i waited all day friday and no one called. i got my son to call my asshole brother-in-law. my son asked why no one called. they claimed phone troubles. no apology given. but they were at my niece's house. they left my mother there, where she will be pressed into baby-sitting 6 kids, when she's not supposed to be watching even herself.

but the real reason i was worried was because my sister got a demerol prescription to tide her over until her nerve block today. so i was more afraid off her overdosing than thinking something may be wrong with my mom.

i don't need that kind of cap.

she told me she is going to start thinking only about herself. what the hell else has she been thinking about all these years? she is the most selfish person i have ever met. she only takes care of mom to keep the check.

so i am shunning her, like mom did me.

i will be thinking of myself first from now on. i get the best of everything. i get the biggest piece of cake, the one with a big fat rose on it.

desires of the heart

i found a nice house. it is very cheap and is about 70 years old. it is in two levels, with the full house on top and a walk-out basement as big as the house with a wood-working shop full of cabinets. the master bedroom has a bay window seat with bookcases built in, all along the entire call. it has water access. it has two storage buildings. there is a fenced area where my dog can run.

but the best of all is a screened-in room that runs around two sides of the house. finally, a place to use all my wicker pieces in one place. i am going to make some astro-turf rugs to delineate the different areas. it needs painting bad! but maybe we can have them paint it before we move-in.

it felt like a home. everything i need is on one level. most of the floors are wood or laminate.

it's super cheap.

the note is half of what mine is currently.

i can see myself in it.

i can pay it off quickly. i will have lots more cash every month. everything will be good all the way around.

i got some nasty letters from a place we all hold near and dear to our hearts. i will make a call to them on friday morning, i don't want to ruin my week.

i had friends over last week for a memorial service that included a late night ash-scattering at a train depot by a dark moon.  i will write about it later, once i can process it. we also divided her possessions. i got some tarot cards and books. i had more, but it smelled musty. i threw it away. bobo is sick and i didn't want him sicker. i have enough to remember her by. i don't need possessions to remind me of her.

i hope one day that stabby feeling in my heart i get when i think of her will go away.

did i mention that our garbage service is shut off? our address does not exist in their system. they scan the cart and it doesn't exist. if they can't scan the can, they don't pick it up. i have to go to some office and i will be gone soon, so why bother?.i have a few ladies who have offered to let me bring over garbage when i see them. short term solution.

starting over...all over again!

i have been a slacker.

i just i am a slacker.

i am off the diet track too.

we had a ceremony for my friend and scattered her ashes. she is done.

i have to get on with life. i can live even if she is dead.

i don't have to be fat. i can lose the weight.

i am trying to cut out my painkillers and eventually cut them out all together. did i tell you she died of an overdose?

i am looking for a house. not as much fun as i thought!

i am packing too. i have too much stuff. i'm having to just throw more stuff in the sell pile. i am packing only the things i love. i am having a big garage sale in my own driveway. i hope i make some money. even a little would help.

i'm just in a blue funk!

and i don't have any dish-washing liquid for the dishwasher.

second chances

i'm ready to start blogging again on a more regular basis. i am going to be getting a house in tinytown, where i find myself driving to all the time.

my housenote goes down $350 or so LESS than i am paying now.

i will be saving a million dollars in gas, at least 1 fill-up or more.

i will be closer to the ymca, so i can go more often and get some of my lard butt melted.

i have the fun to go to house-hunting.

i have one month until i can get my mortgage. then i can look for a house. i have looked at some on-line and there seem to be a lot of little houses suited for us with laminate in all the room, or maybe a few have tile in the kitchens,bathrooms and laundry rooms. i am looking for something with everything on one level, no steps to manuever and hopefully a nice sunroom or covered patio or something like that. i crave an outdoor living area. i can't wait to get all my geegaws and lawn furniture together. instead of a rug, i am going to get a couple of pieces of astro-turf made into rugs and paint the inside of the ceiling sky blue and have white ceiling fans with clouds painted on them.

i can't wait.

i can't wait to leave the sticks.

i have to drive 15 miles to get a freaking popsicle where i am out now. i'll have to avoid doing that, that could get expensive quick. i vow to avoid starbucks at all costs.

i should work for the government...

i took all my returns downtown to an official place - 35 freaking miles away- to have my tax forms recorded and processed. i waited  over an hour and a half while they were processed. i paid for parking. then i drove home another 35 miles.

only to find out last week that one year wasn't processed and not every page was copied in one. and they screwed up processing one. i call them and get someone that has been working there 2 days.

i can't get my mortgage until this is finished. i doubt they can fix this in 18 days. i want a house!

the house i have my eye on that needs a ton of work is still available. there is another one i like but it is only a 2 bedroom. but the neighborhood is better and it does have a large mudroom and a laundry room. you could turn either of those rooms into a guest space with a futon. the washer and dryer could be put behind louvered doors, kind of like i had in my old mini mcmansion years ago.

the kids got new furniture and gave me the old stuff. i got it when i worked and used the great employee discount. i have it in the garage right now, until i move. i will use it then. i have been getting rid of stuff and organizing it by putting it in boxes if i want to sell/d it or move it. the crap i don't think will sell but is still useable, i am putting on the lid of the garbage can and putting it out a day early. it's always gone by garbage pick-up day. i even put a "FREE-WORKS" sign on it and i make sure i put all the pieces together in a bag along with any manuals or whatever.

and the crap, of course, i am throwing away. i try to work on 1 box every day or so. i send as much stuff as possible over to my son's, just to piss his wife off. my granddaughter will take tons of shit home, if you let her. she also does household chores, like cleaning  my baseboards, for 45 cents!

they are in orlando right now. they went on a cruise to the bahamas. my son is going to start driving a school bus. there isn't a lot of money in it, but it will eliminate the need for private school (the kids can atend the same district their parent works for and he's driving in a nice district with great schools!) and afterschool care ($60 a week each). he also won't be working 10-12 hours a day and he won't have to dress up everyday. it comes out to about $1500 a week in school fees. worth it, especially since he will be working shorter hours.

chocolate menu

i haven' forogtten my place...

i have just been on my deathbed. i had a virus, followed by an almost complete bowel obstruxxtion ( fixed it before i had to have surgery!), another virus AND my period! this follows on the heels of a bad respitratory virus. so, yeah, i have felt dead!

we are looking at a house in the town we came from. it has 2 stories, but it works. it has a complete 3br 2 ba house, then a walk-out basement with a den, bathroom and two bedrooms there.so i will never have to go up downstairs. it was supposed to be auctioned but the auction was cancelled. i hope they do a sealed bid. i will pay $500 for it. maybe i will be the highest bid! it's happened, i've read about it, but i hope it happens to me.

i haven't been to church in forever. when it's cold and hard to move, i tend to stay home. i did join the y last week, but i have yet to go. i may cancel it if we don't seem to be going, but somehow i got the first 15 days for under $5. it's $39 a month, but i really miss the flexibility i had when we used to belong a few years ago. since i did it during january, i saved the $75 joining fee. i can quit without guilt.

i have been cleaning up my house and packing up stuff i know i don't have to use anytime soon.

one day...