mellow monday

i am not sure what mellow monday is going to be yet.

so i am going to tell you a story about my mother's household hints.

back in the '70s, heloise was queen. she had all her hints and tips, i mean, heloise could give you the hook-up. my mother read her way into heloise's inner circle of hell. she knew what to do in any situation. she was ready at a dime to give you a hint or tip that might change your life.

my mother wore cat's eye glassses and had a big red bubble-head bobble-head bouffant. looking back, she looked like a member of the b-52s. anyway, we were driving back from my grandmother's house in alabama, and my mother spotted someone ahead who needed the help on she or heloise could give. so she put the pedal to the metal and took off like a bat out of hell.

ahead was a yellow mustang, with a rag hanging out of the gas tank. i guess the rag was to keep the gas from all evaporating or else the car was a giant size molotov cocktail. my mom headed toward it, all the time muttering, "gotta that rag out" over and over again.

she got abreast of the guy. he goes to the trouble of leaning over to roll down the passenger window.so he can speak with her.

"STICK A POTATO IN IT!" she yelled at him. he leaned back in his seat, thren leaned forward to stick his middle finger up at us. then he hauled butt down the highway.

my mother's mutterings are going from "gotta get the rag out" to "i hope that sumbitch catches fire and burns in HELL!"

i sat in the backseat, playing with my wooly willy my grandmother got for me. i wasn't going to get into at the moment, so quiet was good.

about 10 minutes later, we passed him on the side of the road. there was a cop behind him, and he was writing the guy a ticket.

as my mother passed the guy, she gave him a one-finger salute of her own. i felt really back for the guy. i remember he had on a headband, like almost every white boy in in 1974.

later my mother "got her face done" (i.e. '70s make-over) and she looked like david bowie as ziggy stardust. her next look, which she stuck with, was a red afro, like carol from the bob newhart show. now she is doing the diane keaton thing but only wearing turquoise.

eventually "gotta get the rag out" came to be used commonly, meaning, "cut the crap." "stick a potato in it" became our family's version of "shove it."


i bet if i had a smartcar, i would never have to stick a potato in it.

found it friday- the cellphone AKA going postal

every friday, i will treat you to a story about finding something and what i did with it.

up this week, i found a cellphone at target in the bathroom on that big old tissue dispenser. beforei could turn it in, i got a call on on it. i explained that i had found it and was turning it in.

1 live 15.6 miles from target ( clocked it the other day), door-to-hanicap-parking-space. yeah, i get to park up front- i guess having severe arthritis does have it's own weird little advantages.

the friend of the owner of the phone asked me not to turn it in, because her friend would have to drive through my town to get to target and it would save her 20 miles to go to my house instead of all the way back to target. i spoke with the owner of the phone and got her address. she said she would send ma a few bucks for postage.

i forgot to mail it. it was sent very late. but i sent it.

Last night i was getting ready to go eat with a friend. some pld hillbilly man came to the door. they had called him about the cellphone because he had the same last name as me and um, i guess they googled him somehow.

he was really hilarious. he was suspicious because it involved cell phones. i guess that one episode of miami vice he was watched back in 1985 convinced him that only drug dealers have cell phones.

"Naw, now look her. i don't wanna get mixed up in no mess about a CELL PHONE. they just called me and i don't want NO trouble, naw, no trouble, not because of no CELL PHONE!"

i got the feeling he was afraid a gang of thugs would show up and beat him about the head and face. i had to assure him he was in trouble and the CELL PHONE was on it's way to the proper owner.

then he gave me this look, like he had hoped i would give him some kind of monetary tip for coming to my house. i just said "BYE!" and closed the door.

anywho.

so today, i check my mailbox and there is no mail.

but the cell phone i mailed out it there, without an envelope or any covring. my guess is that some gang of roving rural thugs stole it from the mailbox and realized it wasn't an iphone. then they brought it back to screw with my brain.

i found a padded envelope, some packing tape, a stack of napkins to protect the screen.  tomorrow it will be mailed with insurance and delivery confirmation.

let's hope it makes it there.

if i had a smartcar, i could have just driven it to her that day!

truth or dare thursday

today i found a really nice purse in the basket of the cart i was going to use. the gentleman seated near the carts was staring at it. he said he didn't know whose it was, so i turned it into customer service without even looking inside it.

have you ever been tempted to keep something you found, knowing it didn't belong to you?

leave your answer in the comments

OR

i dare you to eat a boiled egg, while wearing only your underwear. at the kitchen table.

let me know who you did!

yes, even as broke as i am, i was not even tempted to see if there was any money in the ourse.

karma, if you can hear me, please take note.

send me a smartcar! or two! or just a lottery jackpot if a smartcar is too much trouble.

show me that smile again!

the grandparent's day program was fun. i couldn't see my granddaughter because they were seated in chairs and not on the bleachers where i was looking. but when they stood and she saw me, she gave me the biggest smile. she was so happy to see me. that smile is worth any amount of crap i have to put up with from her mother.

i don't have anything else to say. it's cold. i bought a few groceries but nothing major. we will have sandwiches and soup. cereal and milk. tortilla pizzas and salad. i have a pound of ground beef i have yet to decide how to prepare.

seeing that it's tv tuesday, we must discuss the gosselin situation. i miss them being on tv. i just wish that all their tabloid crap had been played out on the show. talk about a soap opera!

but i feel sorry for the 8.

i read somewhere that kate is getting a new show in april, in which she will have to do a variety of jobs. can-do kate? thankfully, her children are not involved. i don't know if i will watch it.

if i do, i will do it to ensure she earns enough money to take care of her kids.

but please, don't spend any money on hair extensions. i know tlc was paying for the last ones, but it proves one thing:

FREE IS NOT ALWAYS GOOD!

never thought i would say that, but have you seen her hair?!?!?

however, a free smartcar would be a wonderful thing. stupendously wonderful!

glamming it up

i found a set of barbie shoes on ebay- well, fashion dolls shoes. kind of like knock-off jimmy choos that are an inch long. i got a set of a dozen shoes, a wedding dress (every barbie should have a wedding dress!) and 8 regular doll clothes- no choice. but i only paid $11 for all of it. it's new, probably made by 3rd graders.

my plan is to glam it up with beads and gold sequins and crap like that. by the time i trim those little suits out, her dolls wil be trendsetters.

she's only 6. i am going to her school for grandparent's day. yes, i am considered a grandmother. she recently enrolled at a new private school. i can't wait to see her cute uniforms.

when i was in 10th grade, my best friend transferred toa catholic school. she was looking forward to the uniform. i guess that would have been a good thing for me, given that in 5th grade, someone gave  my mom a box of 10 identical t-shirts. my mom decided it would be a good idea for me to wear them instead of buying me school clothes. i ended up getting the teacher writing on the t-shirt, to number them from 1-10. the kids in my class had been teasing me. i went to a very poor school, seriously in the ghetto. those ghetto kids felt superior to me because they had more than 1 shirt to wear..if that's what it took for them to feel better about their situation, then by god, let me be the one to help them.

i think my mom making me wear the same shirts every day killed any fashion sense i might have possibly developed. when i shop now, i tend to buy multiples of the same things, but in different colors or patterns. i'd rather shop on-line because it's so much easier. i try to always get promo codes and discounts from the internet before i buy anything. getting free shipping can be a big deal.

i found someone's cellphone monday. she called it and i told her i would send it to her. so i packed it up for the mail. i just looked over at the bookcase and i see that i never put it in the mailbox for pick up. the postal service would work for me if i let them, you know, actually put things in the mailbox and stick up the flag.

i hope karma doesn't kick me in the ass for that. i really had good intentions. as soon as i finish here, i will walk down the hill to get the mail.

i am trying to come up with something fun for my blog.if i could get a few more readers. i am thinking of having certain subjects i write about each day:

• mellow monday- SERENITY NOW! 'nuff said
• tv tuesday- where i bemoan the lack of "j&k+8" on a weekly basis.
• way back wednesday- tales of jordache, jontue and painful heartbreak in the disco era
• truth-or-dare thursday- spill your guts or do my bidding
• foodie friday- ummmm, recipes
• something something saturday- just something extra
• funday sunday- i will start doing something fun every sunday

or i may have a giveaway. i have a garage full of THINGS! back from the old days. things i have moved twice in 1-year and never unpacked. if i haven't used it in 2 years, i evidently don't need it.

actually, this entire thing is not to get a lot of readers, but to keep me from thinking about the money situation. the numbers are still running through my head. i have a reproduction chroome dinette set i am going to pull out and try to sell on craigslist. that would probably pay a car note.i really only have 2 weeks until my finances are looking better, whther my husband works full-time or not. he's supposed to be back at full hours in a month, but dang, these two weeks are killing me!

last night for dinner, i cranked up the oven and threw the contents of all those tiny bags in the freezer on a baking tray. we had tater tots, chicken strips and fish sticks. i also grilled 2 chicken breasts and made some bacon. i ended up with a chicken, bacon and honey mustard panini, and a bit of tots. i got some ribs out to make later this week and i have ground beef for dinner. i have freezer space! i think tomorrow i am going to a different store than i normaly would shop. i have heard they have a lot of cheap meat and i can get my coupons doubled.

not to be cliche, but i miss living near a taco bell. i have to drive either 13 or 15 miles to get to a taco bell. so i make a lot of taco meat at home. i have also learned to make burger sliders- the nearest krystal is 22 miles away. you get a dozen for about $5 doing it my way. that was what i made for my sister and her fmaily for our annual christmas dinner. oh, and we had cheesy tots!

of course, if i had a smartcar, i would drive there. hey smartcar people, if you are reading, give me a car! i promise to tell everybody how cool it is!

putting on my steppin' out shoes

my granddaughter's birthday is in february, but i have been shopping for it since the after-christmas sales. i have managed to score her a "christmas carol" barbie named eden starling, and a set of "high school musical" dolls. they are all barbie size and barbie quality- look for the Mattel logo!

a long time ago, i gave my niece, and a couple of her friends these packs of 12 pairs of barbie shoes that i got at toys'r'us for only $3.99- a barbie can never have too many shoes! they loved it then, so i thought i would buy one for my granddaughter. she's the same age now they were then.

little did i know, they were only produced by mattel for 1 year- 1998- and are therefore collectible. i found this little pack of shoes on ebay for $40!

i don't pay $40 for MY big old shoes!

i should have bought about a million packs of barbie shoes back in 1998. i'd be rich now!

i wonder what items for sale now are going to skyrocket in 10 years?

just think, if the government had spent the same amount on barbie shoes that they did on space exploration or the war on drugs, we wouldn't need any bail-out programs!

like a ton of bricks

i think the gravity of everything hit me today. i have been anxious and tense. i think i am getting sick again and i am going to the doctor monday to find out what is wrong.

i keep adding up numbers and coming up short. i really don't know how i will pay all my bills on time. i keep trying to convince myself that everything will be okay, but the numbers just keep rolling through my head like a ticker tape.

NOTHING WILL EVER BE OKAY AGAIN! YOU WILL BE HOMELESS AND LIVING IN THE GUTTER!

i need sleep. sleep is cheaper than getting blindingly drunk, so i guess that is my frugal tip for today.